Just as they did last year, the NBADraft.net Forum‘s "late night crew" got together to do an annual mock draft with "seriously humorous" picks…. Have no fear, the gang will be back after the draft with a 3rd round mock taken from players that go undrafted.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers (JNixon-Iggy9) – Kyrie Irving
The Cavs are hoping they have found their PG for the next 10 years. And fire fighters in the Greater Cleveland area hope so as well, so they won’t have to worry about putting out the fires of angry fans torching his jersey as he leaves the city in the prime of his career.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves (DanEboy) – Derrick Williams
Right after David Stern announces the pick, Williams grabs the mic from him, proclaims himself the best small forward in the league and then tosses a ‘For Sale’ sign around Beasley’s neck.
3. Utah Jazz (BloodyCrumpet) – Brandon Knight
Like every point guard that plays in Utah, Brandon Knight will have to endure countless comparisons to the legendary John Stockton. Since he doesn’t really play anything like Stockton, I’d advise him to wear shorts 3-4 sizes too small as a means of fulfilling those expectations.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers (OrangeJuiceJones) – Enes Kanter
Cleveland surprises no one by taking the unproven Turkish youngster with the 4th overall pick. Shortly after the draft, Kanter was seen surrounded by members of the Cavs’ administration with his hands behind his back and his head down. They’re not gonna let this one get away.
5. Toronto Raptors (mikeyvthedon) – Jan Vesely
This is where the draft gets tricky! Colangelo hopes that this European transport can be the match-up problem at the 3 he has always dreamed of. The problem is that in terms of rebounding, he makes Andrea Bargnani look like Dennis Rodman. Better luck in the lotto next year Raps!
6. Washington Wizards (knicksfan7) – Kawhi Leonard
Washington is in dire need of defense so they take the high-motored Kawhi Leonard. Unfortunately, having Andray Blatche as your mentor could have some unintended consequences.
7. Sacramento Kings (JNixon-Iggy9) – Jimmer Fredette
Jimmer might have gotten just far enough away from Provo to have a moment to himself, but still might have to watch his back in his own team’s locker room due to stray elbows and fists being thrown by future teammates DeMarcus Cousins and Donte Greene. I guess he’ll take the pain since he’ll be getting paid lottery money.
8. Detroit Pistons (DanEboy) – Jonas Valanciunas
After Stern announces Jimmer to the Kings, Dumars is seen lying on the floor in a fetal position, kicking his legs and laughing hysterically. Pistons are the thieves of the draft so far.
9. Charlotte Bobcats (BloodyCrumpet) – Kemba Walker
Kemba Walker joins the likes of Gerald Henderson, DJ Augustin, Brandon Wright and Adam Morrison as the most recent lottery selections for the Charlotte Bobcats. It won’t be too hard for him to exceed the… ahem… high standards that his predecessors have left for him.
10. Milwaukee Bucks (OrangeJuiceJones) – Alec Burks
Burks offers Milwaukee some much-needed firepower. He’ll have the chance to compete with John Salmons for the role of most non-aesthetically pleasing scorer on the team.
11. Golden State Warriors (mikeyvthedon) – Marcus Morris
Would not be surprised if Mark Jackson tries to convince Marcus to play Sister/Sister with Markieff if he needs some more defense and rebounding. But the new coach looks like a Smart Guy (much like Stephen Curry looks like the Mowry twins brother), by taking the more polished twin.
12. Utah Jazz (knicksfan7) – Klay Thompson
Klay goes to the friendly and pure environment of Salt Lake City, where he will never have to worry about the sight of marijuana again. The LDS church pats themselves on the back for saving another soul.
13. Phoenix Suns (JNixon-Iggy9) – Tristan Thompson
Phoenix, in the middle of that awkward position of not being bad enough to rebuild but not being good enough to contend for a while, picks the anti-Phoenix PF in prospect Tristan Thompson. He actually shows an affinity for defending and rebounding, while not being a softy on offense (I’m looking at you, Channing).
14. Houston Rockets (DanEboy) – Chris Singleton
Singleton will fill the role of a Trevor Ariza type player as defense is his specialty. He can fill a stat sheet — like he did against UNC Greensboro when he had 22pts 11reb 6ast 10stl and 4blk – and show off his versatility. Chase Budinger is seen throwing his arms up in disgust.
15. Indiana Pacers (BloodyCrumpet) – Kenneth Faried
First shocker of the evening. Kenneth Faried is drafted to be the eventual successor of Jeff Foster. If you think about it, the two have quite a few similarities. Relentless rebounder? Check. Energetic defender? Check. Compelling haircut? Oh-ho-ho, you better believe it.
16. Philadelphia 76ers (OrangeJuiceJones) – Markieff Morris
Markieff brings his hometown 76ers a hard worker who can knock down 12-18 foot jumpers. Somewhere not far away from Newark, Andre Iguodala crushes an empty soda can and growls.
17. New York Knicks (mikeyvthedon) – Darius Morris
Made this pick before all of the “trading up for Biyombo” news. But, he is basically the PG version of Biyombo with great size, nice length. Minus, of course, being a Proud Grandpa like our favorite Congolese 747.
18. Washington Wizards (knicksfan7) – Donatas Motiejunas
The only way Motie is going to help Washington defensively is how he’ll make Blatche and McGee look a little better on this side of the court. It’s like how an ugly girl looks less ugly next to an uglier girl. He won’t help everyone unfortunately. There is still Yi Jianlian, who is the Khloe Kardashian of defense.
19. Charlotte Bobcats (JNixon-Iggy9) – Jordan Hamilton
Who better to mentor Hamilton as a swingman than Captain Jack, right? Give Jackson a shooter with firepower. Actually, I think somewhere in Jackson’s probation settlement it said that he couldn’t be around guns, so maybe it’s not as good as I thought.
20. Minnesota Timberwolves (DanEboy) – Marshon Brooks
Wolves fill a big need at the 2 guard position by getting the Big East’s scoring leader from last season. Brooks lit up the Georgetown guards for 43 and Notre Dame for 52. A very good rebounder (7 per game), Brooks also has a knack for getting to the free throw line (6.8 attempts.) Wolves will also save money, giving him anything embroidered with the initials MB once B-Easy is gone.
21. Portland Trailblazers (BloodyCrumpet) – Bismack Biyombo
Bismack "The Lengthy Hype of the Hoop Summit" Biyombo falls to a team that has a reputation for taking players that become draftnik darlings in the months leading up to the draft. Remember Luke "I Got High (At the Combine)" Babbitt? Anyway as a member of our beloved forum pointed out, his name sounds suspiciously like "Bitchsmaked Yomumbro", which kinda/sorta describes his foul-prone style of defense.
22. Denver Nuggets (OrangeJuiceJones) – Tobias Harris
A "jack of all trades, master of none" type of prospect, Harris is drafted by an extremely deep Denver team. He will soon become close friends (out of necessity) with Danilo Gallinari, the only other guy on the Nuggets without tattoos.
23. Houston Rockets (mikeyvthedon) – Nikola Vucevic
This guy measured out very impressively, even if his velocity might be the antithesis of this team nickname.. Vucevic may barely be able to jump over a piece of paper, but he has polish and length that should make him a likely early rotation player. Still, he probably wanted to be drafted by Dunder-Mifflin, which would be a better description of his athleticism.
24. Oklahoma City Thunder (knicksfan7) – Reggie Jackson
Rumored to be promised to be picked by the Thunder. Also included in his promise is to make a seven-figure salary watching a top 3 player in the NBA play alongside a "point" guard that will take 30 shots and turn the ball over seven times a game.
25. Boston Celtics (JNixon-Iggy9) – Charles Jenkins
Boston may admit they made a mistake after one year of the Avery Bradley experiment and take Hofstra one-man show Charles Jenkins. Jenkins would just be another player to add to the Celtics roster that looks more and more like the Monstars from Space Jam with every new player they add.
26. Dallas Mavericks (DanEboy) – Davis Bertans
Mavs get possibly the best pure shooter in the draft in Bertans. At 18, will need time to develop but the Mavs can afford to wait on him. Cuban jumps on stage, still drunk, and begins shouting, “Did you see us punk the Heat fans?!?!” Stern back hands him.
27. New Jersey Nets (BloodyCrumpet) – Tyler Honeycutt
Could be a steal for the Nets, though Tyler will have to make it a priority to avoid trailing Deron Williams on any fast break opportunities. The tail-wind of the recently acquired point guard could send the model-thin Honeycutt soaring upwards of 65-70 feet in the air.
28. Chicago Bulls (OrangeJuiceJones) – Justin Harper
Shortly after arriving in Chicago, Harper is told that he has two roles: to knock down open jumpers, and boost Carlos Boozer’s ego by losing to him in one-on-ones after practice.
29. San Antonio Spurs (mikeyvthedon) – Nikola Mirotic
If anyone is smart enough to wait for this hot shooting Serbian, it is Popovich and the Spurs. They waited on Ginobili, they waited on Splitter, so why not take a player who normally might go about 15 spots higher? Too bad they do not have Luca Brasi to go over to Spain and deal with his contract situation.
30. Chicago Bulls (knicksfan7) – Nolan Smith
The Bulls have been known to draft guys from winning college programs. He’s no Derrick Rose, but he has won a national championship before – perhaps the only thing Rose lacks on his resume.
31. Miami Heat (JNixon-Iggy9) – JaJuan Johnson
Ahhh, the Heat take a guy who has the build of a young Chris Bosh. Hopefully he packs on more muscle, and uses his hands for more than open-palming his face to wipe his tears away after losses, as Bosh did after Game 6 of the Finals.
32. Cleveland Cavaliers (DanEboy) – Jeremy Tyler
Tyler meets with Irving and Kanter after the draft. “You know we can never leave here right?” They all laugh….followed by complete silence for the next 4 hours. Tyler will need some time to develop but has a lot of ‘P’, and the Cavs can afford to gamble here since they have already locked up 2 potential building blocks.
33. Detroit Pistons (BloodyCrumpet) – Iman Shumpert
I know they already have combo-guards in Stuckey, Gordon and White, but do you really think that’s going to stop the Pistons from drafting an uber-athlete like Shumpert? Keep in mind this is the team that drafted Austin Daye, DaJuan Summers and Jonas Jerebko in the same draft despite already having Villanueva and Prince on the roster. This is the unique, yet predictable (and often head-scratching) drafting habit of Joe Dumars.
34. Washington Wizards (OrangeJuiceJones) – Kyle Singler
Bobcats owner Michael Jordan had Singler drafted this early just because he doesn’t like Duke. Singler will become injured after over-working himself during rookie hazing.
35. Sacramento Kings (mikeyvthedon) – Chandler Parsons
Could the Kings find a potential answer at SF in the second round? Parsons is a great passer, solid shooter and can kind of do everything……except defend other wing players in the NBA.
36. New Jersey Nets (knicksfan7) – Shelvin Mack
Avery Johnson 2.0. He plays defense, has a high basketball IQ, and will probably talk exactly like the coach on the court. It’s kind of like the Nets draft an extra coaching presence.
37. Los Angeles Clippers (JNixon-Iggy9) – Malcolm Lee
The Clippers add a combo guard with quickness and length, and hope he turns out to be more Russell Westbrook than Keyon Dooling. Given the unluckiness of the franchise, Lee better hope he doesn’t step on the wrong piece of hardwood, slip, and mess up his knee. All while being heckled by Donald Sterling who wonders loudly, “Why are you in the game, you’re out of shape!”
38. Houston Rockets (DanEboy) – Keith Benson
After selecting Singleton, the Rockets add more defense by adding Benson, a late blooming big man who is still a work in progress on the offensive end. Could provide Joel Anthony type of defense, and give Houston some insurance with Yao’s status up in the air.
39. Charlotte Bobcats (BloodyCrumpet) – Trey Thompkins
Trey "Tubby" Thompkins is probably the best available player at this point. A first round talent, but has a fourth or fifth round body fat percentage of 15.5%. To put that ratio in perspective for you: Mark Cuban’s blood alcohol content is consistently at 15.5%, Rudy Fernandez is 15.5% matador and Manu Ginobili is exactly 15.5% bald.
40. Milwaukee Bucks (OrangeJuiceJones) – Jon Leuer
Leuer gets to stay in Wisconsin, and the Bucks get another big body down low.
41. Los Angeles Lakers (mikeyvthedon) – Julyan Stone
Had to have the promise pick. Julyan Stone was a walking triple-cinco in college, as to say he averaged over 5 per game in three different categories in college, which is no easy feat. The problem of course was that he showed very little shooting ability (25.5% 3 pt, 56.1% FT) and averaged single digit scoring. He gives the Lakers a tall athletic, but the one 5 he should hope for next year is minutes per game.
42. Indiana Pacers (knicksfan7) – David Lighty
Winning program, high character, good shooter, fits the Larry Bird type mold, not more needs to be said.
43. Chicago Bulls (JNixon-Iggy9) – Jereme Richmond
Richmond gets selected by an in-state team, hoping for a rebirth. Wouldn’t surprise me if Richmond wore the number 92. It would represent the year he was born, how much he weighs, and the rating he believes he deserves on NBA 2K11.
44. Golden State Warriors (DanEboy) – Jimmy Butler
Butler walks into his first practice and is asked by his teammates what his strong suit is. “Defense” he says. A collective laugh roars out followed by someone shouting, “This guy has jokes! I like him.” Butler has a Wes Matthews game, minus the 3 point shot.
45. New Orleans Hornets (BloodyCrumpet) – Norris Cole
I think you have to draft for value here, and Norris Cole could be really attractive to a team as a potential back-up point guard. My guess is that unless the Hornets really think Chris Paul is going to leave, that Cole gets auctioned off for a couple of dollars that will go into the David West fund.
46. Los Angeles Lakers (OrangeJuiceJones) – Travis Leslie
Leslie gives the Lakers a tough, though seemingly overconfident defender. Kobe, still mad at the fact that the Lakers haven’t acquired Dwight Howard, immediately begins to watch Leslie on film to discover ways to embarrass him in practice.
47. Los Angeles Clippers (mikeyvthedon) – Josh Selby
Donald Sterling already made a fan section for him called “Shelbyville”. He will then rip his hair out when he finds out his name does not have an “h” after all. Selby can score in bunches, and adds to the Clippers large stable of undersized combo guards. The Clippers seem to like undersized combo more than Kahn loves PGs.
48. Atlanta Hawks (knicksfan7) – Demetri McCamey
First day of training camp he shows up at an unimaginable 230 pounds after going through all of the Atlanta’s finest chicken and waffle restaurants. Larry Drew is disgusted and wonders if there’s some way his son, Larry Drew II, could transfer to the Atlanta Hawks bench.
49. Memphis Grizzlies (JNixon-Iggy9) – Isaiah Thomas
With fellow little man Ish Smith on the Grizzlies roster, Thomas will have to work to impress Hollins and staff to make the roster. Given that he has Vazquez’s feistiness with Smith’s size and athleticism, it doesn’t hurt that he has his own scoring ability to make him fun to watch in the Home of the Blues.
50. Philadelphia 76ers (DanEboy) – Matthew Bryan-Amaning
GM Ed Stefanski confuses Amaning with the world renowned magician, The Amazing Matthew Bryan. Drafts him solely to make Elton Brand’s $16 million contract disappear. Sixers instead get a high energy, athletic big man whose body is NBA ready.
51. Portland Trailblazers (BloodyCrumpet) – Diante Garrett
Trying to predict how a team is going to pick in the 50s is comparable to the strategy of predicting the day of the rapture. You must be randomly specific and outlandishly confident. That’s why I guarantee that the Blazers are going to draft Garrett here and he’ll average exactly 1.2 points per game next season on 34.1% shooting.
52. Denver Nuggets (OrangeJuiceJones) – Greg Smith
Similar to Harris, Greg Smith’s lack of tattoos makes it tough for him to make friends. Instead of becoming friends with Gallinari, he gets a tattoo that says, "Nuggets 4 life." A week after getting the tattoo, he is traded to the Trail Blazers.
53. Orlando Magic (mikeyvthedon) – Bojan Bogdanovic
This combo wing was the second leading scorer at the Euroleague at 18 ppg. He is a Hedo Turkoglu style volume shooter, and some say he could have the ability to keep Dwight Howard in Orlando. Na, just kidding, Dwight is ghost.
54. Cleveland Cavaliers (knicksfan7) – Michael Dunigan
2011 version of Ryan Reid. No one understands why he got drafted.
55. Boston Celtics (JNixon-Iggy9) – DeAndre Liggins
The Celtics add an athletic and versatile defender who went from being horrible to just “kinda bad” on the offensive end as a Jr. at Kentucky. Maybe Ray Allen can teach him a thing or two on shooting the ball, or Rajon Rondo can hold the Kentucky tradition true and teach him how to not shoot the ball.
56. Los Angeles Lakers (DanEboy) – Jordan Williams
The Lakers get a solid big man off the bench in Williams who is a rebounding machine. He had double digit rebounds in 27/33 games played and also recorded 25 double doubles. Kobe walks by, puts his face up close to Williams and says, “This ain’t Dwight Howard.”
57. Dallas Mavericks (BloodyCrumpet) – Malcolm Thomas
A championship-caliber team can never have enough scrap and Thomas has the potential to be a nice defender. That gives him something to contribute, even if he does shoot like he’s a completely blind and extremely caffeinated amputee victim.
58. Los Angeles Lakers (OrangeJuiceJones) – Willie Reed
Bearing somewhat of a resemblance to Dwight Howard, Kobe takes one look at Reed and thinks that Howard lost 60 pounds. A smile breaks across his face, and he finally goes to sleep somewhat satisfied.
59. San Antonio Spurs (mikeyvthedon) – Cory Joseph
Matt Bonner will be sweating this one out; he has been begging Pop for a higher Canadian quotient on the Spurs for years. Besides being Canadian, Joseph is a solid shooting PG, who is good at a number of things but not really great at one in particular. Well, as long as Bonner is on the team stroking treys, Cory just needs to remind him of how awesome he was when he was on the Raptors.
60. Sacramento Kings (knicksfan7) – Malcolm Delaney
They need winning, and who better than 4x NIT Participant Malcolm Delaney. Honestly, how many players can say they went to the NIT four times? That’s special.