[butidonthavemoney]

Missing… (From the Producers of Lost)

Chapter 1:

September 14th, 2010 11:00 AM Central Time

Willie Warren and Lance Stephenson stepped off the plane and into the Memphis International Airport terminal. Willie Warren had his earphones in and he was bobbing his head violently to his iPod. The two were greeted by Grizzlies assistant coach, Johnny Davis. “Hey guys, it’s good to see you again. How was your flight?”

Lance just squinted his eyes and tilted his head up. Willie completely ignored him. Continuing to rock his shoulders and mouth the lyrics to the music. Johnny Davis slowly reached his hand up to Willie and unplugged the earphones. Willie jumped back with a unique, disgusted, shocked look on his face, as Luke Babbitt’s rap album blared from the earphones. “…and what kinda school called Butt-ler? You look like a prepubescent train conductor! Boy you prepubescent! (Prepubescent!) Prepubescent! (Prepubescent!) Hold on to yo Teddy Bear! You can’t grow no facial hair!”

Willie stared at Johnny Davis. “Don’t touch Willie. You tryna get cut?”

“You know, rap music rots your brain.” Johnny responded.

“Oh yeah? Well you be prepubescent!” Willie shouted back.

“Do you know what that means?” Johnny asked.

Willie froze with his mouth open. About 20 seconds later he responded, “I know you are, but what am I?”

“Nice!” Lance Stephenson added, before attempting to give Willie a (failed) high-five.

Willie recovered from the temporary embarrassment by pulling out his iPod. A very old child’s hamburger fell out of his pocket. “Ewww, McDonalds is gross.” Willie told himself aloud. He picked up the burger and held it in the triple-threat position. “Willie!” He shouted as he attempted to shoot it into a garbage can that was about 12 feet away. The rancid McDonalds meat missed by a wide margin and hit a little girl in the face.

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September 17th, 2010 2:00 PM Central Time

Lionel Hollins stared at the group he would be working with over the course of the next season.

“Ok guys. Welcome to training camp, when I call your name out just say ‘here’. Let’s get started. Ok, Darrell Arthur.”

“Oh-ho-ho. Mayne. I, uh, forgot the word again.” Darrell slurred.

“Ok, Darrell is here. Ronnie Brewer.”

“Here,” Ronnie said clearly and attentively.

“Thanks Ronnie. Next, John. John Bryant.”

Everybody looked around at each other.

Lionel Hollins popped an Advil into his mouth. “John can you just say something. Seriously, anything. Make a noise. Please.”

Johnny Davis leaned over to the Grizzlies Coach. “John couldn’t fit in the plane seats, he was supposed to come over on a ferry.”

“Well what happened to him?”

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September 15th, 2010 9:14 AM Central Time

John Bryant turned to the ferry operator. “I can’t believe I’m going to an NBA training camp! This is my chance to shine! This is such a great feeling! I just feel, I feel…”

John Bryant walked over to the bow of the ferry and stood on the railing. He put his arms in the air and shouted, “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!” He smiled and looked back at the ferry operator, who was scrambling to get to the stern of the ferry. “What are you…” John began to ask before realizing that the entire ferry was flipping over due to the weight he was putting on one side of the ferry. “Oh, CRAAAA

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September 17th, 2010 2:32 PM Central Time

“Ok, guys, roll call took a took a little longer than I had hoped, so we’re going to skip warm-ups. Let’s try some three-man weaves. Willie, why don’t you, Marko and Sam start us off.”

Coach Hollins blew the whistle and threw Willie Warren the ball. Willie ran all the way down the court without passing the ball once and layed the ball in. “Cuz I getz mine!” Willie shouted as he pounded his chest.

“Ehhh, needs improvement. Lance, you run with DeMarre and Darrell. Let’s go!”

Lance emulated Willie, and didn’t pass the ball once as he ran the three-man weave all by himself.

Hollins popped another Advil. “OJ, Ronnie, Rudy, let’s show them how it’s done.”

The three ran a flawless three man weave that ended with OJ Mayo throwing a lob pass for Rudy Gay, who finished with authority.

“Excellent job guys! Why don’t you find something to do, the rest of us might be here for a while.”

Ronnie started running sprints on the other side of the court, Rudy went up to the gym to lift weights and OJ worked on improving his free throws.

Hasheem Thabeet was with Damon Stoudamire, who was using puppets to explain how the three-man weave is ran. “So I go… over?” Hasheem asked.

“No, after you pass the ball you go under the guy you passed it to.” Damon explained.

“Under… the ball?” Hasheem asked as he touched his head. Leaving the frustrated Damon to facepalm.

Coach Hollins was still working with the rest of the team on three-man weaves. “Ok, Mike. You run it with Marcus and Lester. Let’s go.”

Hollins passed Mike Conley the ball, who turned to his right and passed it to Marcus Williams. Marcus stopped in his tracks, holding the ball with both hands. He looked down at the ball and then looked up at Coach Hollins. He began laughing and then he ran for the door.

“Oh, no! Not again!” Coach Hollins shouted.

“He’s stolen a ball every practice since we’ve signed him.” Assistant coach Johnny Davis told Hollins.

“We’re going bloody broke. Who’s next?”

“I think Hasheem is ready to try to run one.” Damon told Hollins.

“Dandy.” Hollins said as he shoved a handful of Advils into his mouth.

Damon tossed the ball to Conley again. Who this time turned to his left and passed it to Lester Hudson. Lester passed the ball to Hasheem, who wasn’t expecting it. The ball hit him in the face. He scrambled to pick the ball up and then froze in terror. He looked at Coach Hollins who already had his palm on his face. Hasheem ran he ball over to Hollins without dribbling it and handed it to him. “I did good?”

“Well, at least you’re getting better.” Hollins said.

“That’s a basketball!” Hasheem added while pointing to the ball.

“Hey coach. Why don’t you let me hold that basketball?” asked Marcus Williams who came back after putting the stolen ball in his car (which was also stolen).

“Next group let’s go!” Hollins said quickly. “We’re running the handicap weave, Marc and Hamed you guys run the weave, Zach you wait at the other end of the court for the pass.”

Hollins threw the ball to Hamed Haddadi, who turned to Marc Gasol and said, “He threw me the ball because I’m the real star.” The two glared at each other for a second before they were yelled at by Zach Randolph.

“Just throw me the damn ball!”

“Ok, I think that’s enough of the three-man weave!” Coach shouted as he snatched the ball away from Hamed. “Let’s just scrimmage.”

He split the team in two, and blew the whistle to start the scrimmage. Rudy Gay was standing out of bounds with Mike Conley to the left of him and OJ Mayo to his right.

“Come on, just pass me the ball.” Mike told him.

“Nah, I think OJ is the point guard now.” Rudy responded as he threw the ball to OJ.

OJ began bringing the ball up court but Mike Conley jumped in the way. “Sorry, but you’re only the point guard when I get taken out.” Mike told him as he tried to grab the ball from OJ.

“Wait that makes no sense.” Marcus Williams added from the bench. “I’m the back-up point. Give me the ball.” He said as he ran toward Mike and OJ.

“Like hell you are!” Willie shouted as he chased him. “I’m the point, cuz I getz mine!”

“One week into the preseason I’ll be the starting point.” Lance Stephenson added as he ran toward the escalating scuffle.

It didn’t take long for Marko Jaric and Lester Hudson to jump in the dog-pile that OJ Mayo was now at the bottom of. Rudy Gay and Ronnie Brewer were trying to separate the team but once Zach Randolph and Hamed Haddadi jumped in, there was nothing they could do. Marc Gasol wasn’t sure what was going on, but since the rest of the team was now in a big brawl, he decided to jump in himself. Sam Young and DeMarre Carroll also felt a competitive urge to step in and they both threw themselves into the pile. Darrell Arthur had lost his balance and tripped himself into the fight. Hasheem Thabeet thought everyone was hugging, so he threw himself in as well. As all of this was happening, the entire coaching staff was laughing hysterically.

Just a moment later. The gym door swung open. A very wet John Bryant stood in the doorway. Knowing that he was late, he saw an opportunity to sneak in with the rest of the team. He charged full-speed at the dog-pile and jumped with all his might directly into the center of it. It was at this moment the Zach Randolph was in the center of the dog pile laying on his back. John Bryant and Zach Randolph collided gut-to-gut.

Time froze for a second and a very loud sound was heard. Suddenly, a spacetime rupture in between the guts of Bryant and Randolph was created, forming a wormhole. In only an instant, the entire Memphis Grizzlies Training Camp roster disappeared without a trace…

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????????? ????, ???? ?:?? ?? ??????? Time

The Grizzlies awoke on a beach. Each one more confused than the other.

“What happened?” OJ Mayo asked.

“Where are we?” Mike Conley asked.

“When’s lunch?” John Bryant asked.

Willie Warren stood up. “Explosion… I’m not stupid… You did this, you terrorist!!!” He yelled to Hamed Haddadi.

“Let’s all calm down.” Rudy Gay said. “First of all, is everybody OK?”

The team looked around at each other.

“I’m not seeing Zach or Darrell…” Ronnie Brewer said.

Suddenly, a huge pterodactyl flew right above the beach with Darrell Arthur in it’s jaws.

“Hey guys, don’t buy any weed from Zach!” Darrell shouted from above. “I’m having a bad trip!” It was at this time that the pterodactyl bit Darrell Arthur in half. As both halves of his body fell, five huge sharks simultaneously jumped out of the water and ate his flesh before he even touched the ocean.

The stunned group all paused for a second, before Willie Warren broke the silence. “I guess he had an even worse fall…”

“Nice!” Lance Stephenson shouted as he attempted to high-five Willie again.

Mike Conley started trembling. He walked over to the shallow area of the water. He then fell to his knees and raised his arms in the air. “WE’RE MISSING!” He shouted passionately. “MISSING!!!”

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Next Week — Chapter 2

Lester Hudson, Sam Young and DeMarre Carroll find some food. “Hey Hasheem, can you reach that coconut up there for us?”

“No problem.” Hasheem responded. He jumped as high as he could, got a full extension and swatted the coconut with authority. The coconut was headed in a straight trajectory toward Mike Conley’s head.

“MISSING!!!” he was still shouting before the coconut hit him. “Oh, cool. Some food.” He reached for the coconut, but Marcus Williams snatched it first. He looked down at the coconut he was holding with both hands, giggled and then ran off. Conley then fell unconscious.

The crew finds Zach Randolph, Willie Warren gets desperate for food and Mayo, Brewer and Gay go looking for answers…

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This week’s episode was brought to you by Advil.

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Prelude: http://www.nbadraft.net/forum/missing-producers-lost

[Stojakovicfor3Participant]

Gay

[Tongue-Out-Like-23Participant]

Trying to be like ScareCrow.. it just doesn’t work for you.

[butidonthavemoney]

Hey, guys.

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

Hope you tune-in next week.

[OrangeJuiceJonesParticipant]

Whatever. I think it’s very funny. I don’t understand why you guys are minusing it. It’s just as good as the first one.

[butidonthavemoney]

Strange how I go from +12 to -3.

This is still the proudest work of my life. And no matter what the reception, we are going to see 7 Chapters and possibly a spin-off.

OJJ, have you abandoned Adventures in tli232’s Basement?

[j1232eParticipant]

you write some funny shit!

[butidonthavemoney]

Thanks man. I’m glad you took the time to read it. I know it’s pretty long.

[OrangeJuiceJonesParticipant]

No, I haven’t, no money. I start summer classes on Tuesday, so I’m probably gonna write another chapter of that and I’ll add another chapter to Popcorn Story Dos while I’m in the library doing everything but my homework.

[McWinningParticipant]

Dude i think you should actually wrote a screenplay with original characters, it could be really good.

[j1232eParticipant]

the inbounds problem of deciding who to pass the ball to, the terriorist comment by willie was priceless!

[burningfloodParticipant]

I don’t understand the minuses. That was hilarious…

[OrangeJuiceJonesParticipant]

I’m definitely stealing “Cuz I getz mine!”

I’m gonna say that after I make a tough shot… Or when I get a good grade without studying as much as I should have studied.

[Tongue-Out-Like-23Participant]

If you must show off after a tough shot, you’re obviously not good so you can’t make it that often.

[OrangeJuiceJonesParticipant]

I don’t think you know me very well, sir. I was joking….

[sheltwon3Participant]

good story, I did not realize it was original. You are very talented.

[butidonthavemoney]

Thanks sheltwon!

OJJ, I yell "Willie!" whenever I shoot garbage into a trash can, and "Cuz I getz mine…" whenever I make it.

[SpencerIsHawesome2Participant]

Awesome, funny stuff. I’m hoping for an epic John Bryant/Willie Warren showdown over what to do when “the others” attack

[Charlie SheenParticipant]

Funniest thing ever on this site, the Marcus Williams shit! hilarious, Hasheem and stoudamire lmao, Willie Warren and Lance Stephenson priceless John Bryant funny too but the Inbounds play was too funny it seems so real except for the wormhole part

Great Job if I could I’d give you 10pts but I cant so you get 1

[butidonthavemoney]

Thanks man, but wormholes are theoretically possible. I’ve been studying them in school.

And Spencer, I can’t give out any spoilers, but Willie Warren and John Bryant both get their fair share of action.

[The Scare Crow ReturnsParticipant]

I’m a little more on the adult tip…but this was very funny…I enjoy the entries from this and tli’s basement and Popcorn…@ Tongue out…Money was’nt trying be like me…That’s like saying Frank Miller wants to be Alan Moore or Stephan King…Writers write…we can all take tid bits from each other to add to the culture of writing but never do we plagiarize each other…Good stuff….For a more adult themed “Parody”

check out The “Free Agents” post…and leave comments….It’s pretty solid stuff…All free style too….

[The Scare Crow ReturnsParticipant]

I recorded one on a video Camera before…Driving to the mountains…I notices a strange object “falling” from space…Well it wasnt falling…It was suspended in time and space and just sat there sucking the tit’s of the universe…LOL…I through tit’s in there for You Money…I know it makes you feel uncomfortable….

[OhCanada-Participant]

I never read these..I usually just think you guys are some amateur writers (like myself) lacking creative values. I read this one because it was a Lost spoof and I’m very impressed. This was a spectacular read and anyone who didn’t enjoy the wittyness, the subtle foreshadowing, and endless humour needs to turn off the T.V. and computer, lay down and pick up a frickin book!

You obviously have some form of education when it comes to Novels. You should honestly write some books and not just humourous ones, something serious like dramatic. You have the feel for it.

WHY IS THIS POST NOT +50?

[butidonthavemoney]

OhCanada that was probably the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

Love, baby!

[Author]

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