[M-DYMESParticipant]

After recently committing to KU, Dalen Qualls was required to submit to a random drug test which came back positive for various substances including, but not limited to…

Marijuana

Cocaine

Crystal Meth

Heroin

Vicodin

Jenkem

When asked about the results, Qualls claimed he did not know he had taken any of the substances.  He stated…

"Imma beast, so I can handle these drugs unlike a normal human being.  I am on a drug its called Dalen Qualls.  I won’t die, dying is for fools.  I’m just winning.  I got tiger blood and aint no one can stop me.  Defeat just aint an option for me.  Im just winning, dominating, cuz im a beast.  So what if i just wanna get stoned the bejeesus sometimes.  It gets tiring carrying my HS team on my back.  The weed, cocaine, meth, jenkem, vike, they were all to help me enter beast mode and stay in it 24/7.  As far as the jenkem, i have no comment about that.  That is bullshit.  Im just a motherfukin beast and u can take that to the bank.  KU will still keep me, they need me.  I’m the white bread to a championship sandwich.  You can have a bread sandwich, but the fixings are just for show.  Hell if they wanna drop me I’ll take my talents beyond LBJ, fuk South Beach, im talkin ballin in the South Pole."

After a game we decided to speak to Qualls distant cousin Charlie Sheen.

He stated,

"Yea that kid is crazy.  I mean I done some crazy ish in my day, but he is off the grid.  I was bi-winning, this kid is atleast Quad-winning.  Nah, he’s Qualls-winning."

I then asked if he knew how he tested positive for Jenkem….he responded…

"I’d know if Dalen was doing that but there is no way he’d take the time to go through the whole brewing process.  This leads me to believe that it had to be that one night.  We were in a back alley after a JV HS basketball team get together, and I lost Dalen for a minute.  When I found him again he had a dirty sanchez stache on his upper lip.  I didn’t want to confront him about it cuz i didn’t recall being served chocolate pudding, but I am pretty certain he was tossin some salad with his teammates.  When your willing to go all in for your squad like that you gotta be a beast.  That just the type of guy Dalen is.  It don’t matter what hole it is, a hoop or poop, he gonna go get @ it." 

 

 

[Adi Joseph]

 April Fools was yesterday.

[M-DYMESParticipant]

Happy belated April Fools.  Dalen is a legend on this site. 

[M-DYMESParticipant]

Cool post by Mikeyvthedon that I think would be a nice addition to the thread…

Dalen Qualls

Was LeBron’s body double in the full court shot Powerade commercial. Little known fact is, he also played the reporter.

Plans before a game how many points he will score and which shots to make and miss, for his own personal amusement.

Did the Kobe Bryant Aston Martin commercial over a Ford Explorer. His friend forgot to take off the lens cap on the camera.

He is the only person allowed in the House of Mutombo.

The new NBA officiating rules are being instituted just for players to prepare for the pain of Dalen Qualls.

Was the first person LeBron called upon making "the Decision."

When Dalen enters the NBA, Michael Jordan will take back everything he said about scoring 100 points in a game.

Before anything he does, World Wide Wes asks for the guidance of Dalen Qualls.

Dalen Qualls trained Hedo Turkoglu last summer before his season with the Raptors. This overtraining and exhaustion lead to the Hedo we saw last year.

The Okalhoma City Thunder wanted to be called the "Qualls", but the NBA would not allow anything that powerful to be written as a team name.

Dalen Qualls sweat is the cure for AIDS. The problem is, no one has ever made him sweat.

When Ron Artest was thanking his psychiatrist when the Lakers won the finals, he was thanking Dalen Qualls.

Rudy Fernandez wants to leave the NBA just so he won’t have to guard Dalen Qualls.

Greg Oden had a bet with Dalen over who’s junk was bigger. The loss of this bet led to Greg’s pictures being posted all over the internet.

"Shaq vs" was actually not Steve Nash’s idea, it was Dalen’s. The only problem is that they thought they might not get enough people to watch, "Dalen wins".

There was a biopic about how Dalen saved the earth with his basketball ability. They changed the main character’s name and the film was known as "Space Jam."

Magic Johnson just sold his share of the Lakers in hopes of buying into a team that will draft Dalen Qualls.

Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Story on Prince was actually about Dalen, but he would not let them use his likeness as in the first one Rick James had stolen his catchphrase. "I’M DALEN QUALLS B-ITCH!"

[butidonthavemoney]

The mods are always trying to keep us down…

"I’m the white bread to a championship sandwich."

/ INSTANT CLASSIC /

[mikeyvthedonParticipant]

Dalen is now James Bond’s middle name. 

[Author]

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