ProudGrandpa’s Guide to Using Profanity on .Net

So, some of you fouler-mouthed users may have noticed that certain words are blocked on this site!  Frustrating, right?  I mean, when you’re trying to call Kevin Garnett a bee-otch, and all that shows up is "Kevin Garnett is such a $%&#@!" your audience doesn’t know if you’re calling KG a female dog or an illegitimate child or pornography!  So, in order to make the site both less confusing and a friendlier environment, here are some tips to replacing the real thing with something a little more intelligent-sounding:

1. "B!tch"-This one is simple.  Simply say "female dog". For "b!tching", just say, "making like a female dog".

Example-"Instead of getting back on defense, Demarcus Cousins proceeded to go making like a little female dog to the refs following the defensive rebound."

2. "Ba$tard"-Illegitimate child.

Example-"The New York Knickerbockers first began their downward spiral following the ill-advised signing of that overweight illegitimate child, Eddy Curry."

3. "Sh!t"-One of my personal favorites, this can be replaced by "defecation".

Example-"Ben Wallace proceeded to deliver a hard foul on Steve Nash after Nash’s weak drive, because everyone knows that one does not come at Ben Wallace with that weak defecation."

4. "Fukc"-A particularly nasty one, this can be particularly amusing if replaced properly.  Consider using "fornicate".  For "motherfukcer", simply replace with one who fornicates with his (or her) mother".

Example-"That Aran Smith is one bad individual who fornicates with his mother" (Though I may not use it in this context, it could be misconstrued)

5. "kunt" and "pu$$y"-These can be confusing because of their similarity, but they are easily distinguishable if one notices that they apply to seperate genders.  The former can be replaced with "female vaginal orifice" and the latter can be replaced with "male vaginal orifice".

Example-"Despite his tattoos and intimidating visage, Birdman Anderson is commonly thought of to be a male vaginal orifice."

6. "Dooche(bag)"-Female hygienic product

Example-"When I was taken to tli’s basement, I was initially terrified, but I was soon doubled up with laughter at the site of that female hygienic product’s triple-popped collars."

7. "H0"-"unsavory female"

Example-"Soon after the party had begun, Lil B had amassed a wide variety of unsavory females on his genitalia"

8) "d!ck"-"genitalia/genitals"

Example-"Dwight Howard’s messy split with the Magic made him look like a real genitalia"

9) "p0rn"-"da dirty"

Example-"Beno was watching da dirty"

QUIZ-TIME!

Translate these

1) "Homie gon’ learn quick when he come at me wit’ dat pu$$y $hit!"

2) "Dat punk-a$$ ba$tard kin suck on mah d!ck!"

3) "Lil’ Leroy Jenkins looked to Lil B for lessons on how to fukc b!tches and git money like a muthafuckin champ but, for now, he is stuck at home wackin his d!ck and watching p0rn while his mother makes him pizza rolls (cuz those are the sh!t)"

Bonus-"To ‘Go H.A.M.’ means to _____________"

Answers: 1) "That young man must realize that he must bring his A-game when dealing with one such as myself, rather than employing tactics of male vaginal orifice defecation" 2) "That cowardly-darriered illegitimate child has the option of sucking on my genitalia" 3) "Young Leroy Jenkins admires Brandon McCartney’s ability to fornicate with female dogs and acquire currency like a champion who fornicates with his or her mother, but, for now, he is stuck in a domestic routine of masturbating to da dirty while his mother prepares pizza rolls, which are a delicacy of defecation" Bonus) "Exert as much effort as one who fornicates with his or her mother"

For the extended guide, hit me up for a mere $29.99.  And no, I am NOT affiliated with McDunkin Management Agency.