The one true mock

1. Dallas – Cooper – Some teams decided to sagg for Flagg or poop for coop but the Mavs perfected the “trade away your franchise player making life for your fans a super drag, only to hit on a miracle 1.8% chance during the lottery for Cooper Flagg” strategy.

2. SA – Harper – It’s pick number 2 so it’s about time we bring politics into this but for everyone who wants to ban trans athletes because of their advantage, when are y’all gonna talk about the advantage children of elite level athletes have? Why should a six foot tall white kid like myself ever have to compete with Ron Harper’s son, it’s a safety concern. They should have their own league at the youth level.

3. Phil – Ace – The nickname Ace seems to imply that he’s the best but let’s not forget an Ace can be played high or low in poker. He makes shots sometimes that make him look like a future Tatum but his inconsistency has me thinking he’s more like MPJ.

4. Char – VJ – VJ “Vance Joy” Edgecome may be afraid of dentists and the dark but he’s not afraid of rim protectors. Besides Cooper I believe VJ has the highest upside based on his athleticism and skill combonation.

5. Utah – Tre Johnson – Came down to him or Kon and while Kon does have extreme Utah face I like Tre as a potential first scoring option slightly more.

6. Wiz – Maluach – I don’t love taking low skill bigs this early but I do love when a team has an identity and this would give them a fun long trio of Maluach, Sarr and Bilal. This would have the Wizards fans shouting “Expelliarmus!” to a few more shots around the rim.

7. NO – Kon – Lets address the elephant in the room…. ok bad choice of words but this team revolves around the hope of a healthy Zion and Kon is capable of feeding the big man a few peanuts here and there.

8. Nets – Queen – Sorry Wendell Carters mom but we have a new worst take in college sports history. Whoever said Queen would go #1 if he was a white Euro needs to be reminded that Sengun won Turkish league MVP and then was drafted 16th and Jokic is the best player in the world and went 41st. Black Americans have plenty to complain about but I don’t think being overlooked as basketball players is one of them.

9. Tor – Murray Boyles – Not quite the Eddie Curry type dinosaur but he is a 6 ft 7 center that doesn’t shoot much yet. A raptor is kind of a sleek cool gen z type dinosaur though and CMB does get those lofty Draymond/Millsap comps sometimes so worth a shot in this range to hopefully be a valuable connector type.

10. Hous – Kasparas – They better pray that Amen can take a leap into superstar status. He can certainly put the fear of God into any defender but it is still a miracle any time he makes a shot outside of 5 feet.

11. Port – Essengue – Kind of ironic that this is like the cool hipster team now. Essengue is kind of a hipster player too, there’s a non zero amount of Giannis to his profile so people get excited about that very slim possibility.

12. Bulls – Egor – Like a less creepy Josh Giddey although he did attend a Mormon college so the potential for creepy is still high. He was incredibly disappointing this year in my opinion, couldn’t get past his defender in the half court at all. This is a bet on the NBA spacing helping him and maybe improving that ugly shot of his.

13. ATL – Beringer – I love Okongwu more than momma Okongwu but it doesn’t seem like he’s a full time center.

14. SA – Carter Bryant – I’m hoping they trade this pick and Harper and whatever else for Giannis. I’m a Thunder fan and I just want a little competition ya know?

15. OKC – Penda – Thunder are pretty deep, whoever they draft isn’t making an impact anytime soon. Penda seems like a better version of Kenrich Williams and fits our style of 3 and D role players. This pick will probably be traded for a handful of 2034 second rounders but I do like Penda if we keep it.

16. Magic – Jase – Joins Jett and Cole Anthony as sons of former players and yet the WNBA only has one trans player (Angel Reese) but who’s counting?

17. Min – Fears – Conley is getting long in the tooth and Dillingham is short in the body so another guard seems reasonable.

18. Wash – Coward – Kind of funny to have Fears and Coward go back to back, unintentional I promise. I would suggest he go to Duke rather than being drafted by the Wizards so he can be surrounded by other talent.

19. Nets – Traore – Anything to get the ball out of D-Lo and Cam Thomas’ hands.

20. Heat – Saraf – This guy needs to work on shooting, currently he can’t make the ball in the river or the sea. He also needs to work on his off hand, a two hand solution if you will.

21. Utah – McNeely – I heard on a podcast that Utah seems to be copying OKC’s strategy. Hadn’t noticed to say the least. This is good value though for a tall young shooter, could fill their Ousmane Dieng hole.

22. ATL – Kam Jones – Kobe Blumpkin hasn’t worked out as that third guard that all good teams have. John Hollinger is high on Kam and I was until I found out John is, now I’m conflicted.

23. Ind – Kalkbrenner – As someone who has lived in the Quad Cities my whole life I would like to just say that only 1 of the 5 Quad Cities is a shithole Mr. Haliburton, maybe 2 but certainly no more than 3. I await your apology.

24. OKC – Asa Newell – Another guy I’m conflicted on, reminds me waaay too much of Bagley but if he can hit shots this could be a steal. Bagley at 24 still not the worst outcome, don’t think any Luka types are going 25 or later.

25. Magic – Raynaud – Paola apologists will point to the the lack of shooting around him but the truth is he’s a suck ass bitch that can’t shoot or pull off half the outfits he wears. Anyways here’s a shooting big man to try to help.

26. Nets – Nique Clifford – I’m gonna use this third nets pick to fix the lottery. Forget the ping pong balls, there should be a vote from a committee based on who deserves it. Which teams are putting in effort and making solid choices, which teams haven’t had a top pick in awhile, which teams are from a city with a recent school shooting, stuff like that.

27. Nets – R. Fleming – A fourth nets pick? Fine here’s how I’d fix the in season tournament. 15 first round games, top seed plays 30th seed, so on so forth. 15 winners go into a winners bracket, 15 into a losers bracket. Winners of winners bracket keeps advancing, losers of losers bracket keeps advancing until there is one team that won all their games and one team that lost all their games. The winning team then poaches a player from the losing team with 5 or 6 or however many being protected. The Bucks won this year and let’s just say the Wizards lost and protect Sarr, Bilal, Bub, Kispert and K. George. The Bucks could take any remaining player. That’s just good clean fun right there.

28. Bos – Sorber – Horford is 1,000 years old, Porzingis is a fragile breadstick and Luke Kornet only shows up once a year.

29. Suns – Walter Clayton – Free Bol Bol dammit!

30. LAC – I. Evans – Thanks for SGA by the way, couldn’t have done this without Clippers stupidity.