The mock to end all mocks

This is what I would do if I were each team.

1. Atl – Clingan – Are we seriously just accepting these two skinny France boys as the top two prospects? Pundits be like “I would take the France boy that averaged 9 points a game.” “Well I’d take the one that averaged 10 points per game!” Are we just forgetting about this massive two time champion from the planet Kronos? That’s a Star Trek joke by the way and it’s the last joke I’ll be explaining so try to keep up.

2. Wash – Risacher – France boy #1 off the board. Heard his hands were small recently but he’s still young so maybe they will grow. Hand size usually stops developing in boys around the ages of 18 – 20. There are also growth hormones he could try assuming they don’t violate league policy. I’ll be paying close attention to his high five game once summer league rolls around to see if he’s been working on it.

3. Hous – Castle – This man could have a moat around him and he’d still be throwing up bricks. Luckily he’s the king of defense, his drawbridge goes up and no one gets inside on him.

4. SA – Topic – I’ve noticed a lot of Nikolas lately, it translates to victor of the people. Well Victor meet Victor, he’s an alien and you two are gonna enjoy many victories.

5. Det -Salaun – France boy #2 not the France boy you expected. Come for the star trek jokes, stay for the poignant, well thought out hot takes.

6. Char – C Dub – One of the most underrated storylines of this season was that Charlotte might finally have a franchise player to build around. I’m taking about the skinny, long armed, highly skilled forward Alexei Pokusevski. Poku and to a lesser extent Brandon Miller could actually have this team competing soon. C Dub could take them to the next level much like J Dub did for the Thunder.

7. Port – Sarr – Sure they have Ayton, a self described max level talent but France boy #3 is considered by most to be the top prospect in this draft so he’d be tough to pass up at 7.

8. SA – Reed – He fails the pre game eye test about as hard as anyone can without wearing goggles. If he walked into the Y at 6 foot 1 with that haircut I’m not thinking potential top 10 pick. However as a goofy looking white man myself I know not to judge a book by it’s cover, I just wish the book were a little taller.

9. Mem – Knecht – This team could be a sleeping giant. Clearly the best team picking inside the top 10. They are just looking for that one Knechting piece to complete the puzzle.

10. Utah – Holland – Hollinger’s #1 guy still. Hollinger isn’t the worst draft analyst (KOC is) but he is the funkiest. He comes out with one board right near the end and it’s always a fun read. When Josh Minott wins MVP I’ll stop making these mocks and just let Hollinger be the lone voice of the alternative draft analyst community.

11. Chi – Matas – The praying Mantas. My problem with him is he feels more like the praying mantis that gets his head bitten off after banging, instead of being the one willing to bite someone’s head off. He needs his shot to fall and he needs to be more aggressive.

12. OKC – D. Carter – Let me just address the Edey to OKC people. No. That is not a good idea. That is the antithesis of what got us to the #1 seed 5 years ahead of schedule. People are so narrow minded. They’re like, “This didn’t quite work, try the opposite!” Let’s just add a good rebounding guard, let Chet gain a few pounds and maybe guard PJ Washington in the corner and see what happens.

13. Sac – Edey – This is a team that should roll the dice on Edey. They are stuck in the middle and need an identity. There’s no sense in trying to emulate what the Thunder, Nuggets, Wolves or Mavs are doing. How about trying to be the team that grabs all the rebounds? I’d just rather see something outside of the box than something that won’t get you past a 5th seed.

14. Port – K. George – That afro in Portland, put a bird on it!

15. Heat – McCain – Heat culture is getting a makeover. First Butler should keep his emo cut, McCain can rock the painted nails, bam can finally come out as trans and avid Heat fan Ron DeSantis can finally stop pretending he knows how to smile.

16. Sixers – Rob D. – Him and Maxey together would be the fastest duo in basketball, nay, the fastest duo in sports, nay, the fastest duo in the world, neigh, the fastest phillies that aren’t actual horses.

17. LAL – Collier – Bronny’s teammate could lure Bronny to sign as a free agent which could lure LeBron to stay another year which could help squeeze out one more first round playoff exit.

18. Orl – Ja’Kobe – Paolo can’t shoot for dick and Franz is somehow even worse. They could hope Jett takes off but ultimately they need more shooters.

19. Tor – Johnny Murphy – I realize people are still using Furphy as his last name but that’s clearly a typo and he’s just too polite to tell anyone. Dick and Furphy/Murphy would be a great tv show by the way, much better than Franklin and Bash or Grace and Frankie.

20. Cavs – Da Silva – Everyone has pegged this guy as this year’s Jaquez where he goes later but should be ready to contribute. Much like Jaquez I don’t quite understand his ethnicity either.

21. NO – Ware – Not a big fan, has very little dog in him as they say, unless you count poodle. The ideal version of him would be a great fit with Zion though assuming Zion doesn’t tip over onto his back and machines can’t get him back to his feet.

22. Suns – Filipowski – Suns are going nowhere fast. Not sure what the line on Durant demanding a trade at some point is but I’d bet all the money in the world on it. I hope they blow it up just so Bol Bol can finally be unleashed.

23. Mil – Klintman – Another team aging right out of contention. (Looks at watch) Think Dame time is over, watching Brook Lopez get down the court is the longest minute of my life, (link to his commercial with Robin) and Khris Middleton is looking more like Khris Endleton.

24. NY – Missi – The Knicks, after years of shooting bricks and sucking dicks are finally in the mix with very little left to fix so with back to back picks, the two right before twenty six they draft a couple role players in hopes that they affix.

25. NY – Shannon – He is free at last. No more baggage. Another gold star for our unimpeachable justice system. How is George Zimmerman by the way? I hope well. This country used to be a country of justice, unless you were famous of course. Now things are all topsy turvy, even famous people are getting arrested. Free R Kelly, Free Diddy, Free Weinstein, Free Cosby. Holy shit Cosby is free, what in the fuck happened there.

26. Wash – Bub – Personally I don’t trust a player that wears long sleeves, he’s hiding something. My biceps were 2 inches in diameter and I still went sleeveless.

27. Min – Kolek – Feels right to replace one lefty with another, lefties gotta stick together especially since they will spend all eternity together burning in Hell.

28. Den – Holmes – Day ron! Fighter of the night ron. Champion of the sun. You’re a master of rebounding and friendship for everyone.

29. Utah – J. Edwards – If you told Jazz fans they were getting Holland and Edwards 8 months ago they would’ve been doing cartwheels. Assuming Mormons are allowed to do cartwheels I guess. They do literally have a rule about avoiding water activities on the Sabbath.

30. Bos – Bronny – What do you get the team that has it all. How about an undersized guard that came off the bench for a piss poor USC team and shot it below anyone’s expectations, also he has serious health issues. It still might be worth it though if there’s a 3% chance that LeBron brings what’s left of his talents to north beach in search of that one last title.