Bench:
Justin Graham, San Jose St. American Idol called, they said you should probably audition if you’re gonna have that shitty haircut. Then they sent you a text message that says ‘You look like a chick, bro’
Ryan Kelly, Duke. You can always depend on Coach K to have at least one ugly dude on the team. He doesn’t consider himself just a basketball coach. He’s a leader of men.
Tyler Zeller, North Carolina. Text convo between Fundy (Carolina fan) and I at the beginning of the year:
Me: Zeller is making the All-Ugly Team this year
Fundy: he’s awesome, I love him
Me: he’s got handlebars for ears
Fundy: well it will be something for me to grab onto when I let him suck my dick
Corey Fisher, Villanova. A three-year member. Congrats, you get a jacket for that.
Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin: Does Wisconsin actively recruit ugly white guys, or do they get uglier once they set foot on campus? It’s the chicken and the egg.
Steven Pearl, Tennessee. A little too Shia LeBouf-ish for my taste. (Speaking of Shia LeBouf, his co-star from Even Stevens on the Disney Channel got naked in a movie a few months ago and she looked GOOD. I take crap for my Disney and Nickelodeon girl fetish, and rightfully so, but those girls grow up. And I like to be there for it. We need the Biebs to dump Selena Gomez, her career to go in the tank, and the nudity in film will start flowing. Let’s share this experience together, friends.)
Curtis Kelly, Kansas St. I don’t have any other jokes for him besides the one I used last year about Bubba Gump and getting your lip caught on a trip wire.
The starting five:
Alex Tyus, Florida.
It seems like every year, there is one guy who has the worst hair ever. So he makes the All-Ugly Team. Then the next year, he shaves his head and I either have to take him off the team or at least take him out of the starting five. But I’m not extending that same courtesy to Mr. Tyus. Because his hair last year is probably the worst case of receding hairline/cornrows I’ve ever seen. Plus even with a shaved head, he’s kinda ugly.
J’Covan Brown, Texas.
Also happens to be a douchebag, which always makes me happy. Sometimes I feel bad if nice guys are on the ugly team. J’Covan, I’ll see you next month when you’re running in the Kentucky Derby. Oh, you’re not? Your teeth threw me off. My bad.
Evan Fjeld, Vermont.
An absolute champion moustache. Words cannot describe it, so I’m not going to try. Also props to Fundy and G.Bear, if it weren’t for them I never would’ve heard of this guy. That’s why it’s a team effort.
Denis Kilicli, West Virginia.
Tamed down a tiny bit from last year, but still looks ugly as he spazzes it up and down and all around the court like a middle school benchwarmer who gets put in for the last 2 minutes and is trying to make the most of it. He will be an All-Ugly starter every year he’s in college.
Kyle Singler, Duke.
After four years on the team, three as a starter, and this year as Captain, the All-Ugly Team loses a veteran to graduation. If it was my choice, I would’ve probably kept him on the bench, but like I’ve mentioned in prior years, one of the most googled phrases that leads people to this blog is some form of ‘kyle singler ugly.’ So I’ve let him be the people’s choice. We’ll miss you, Kyle. All best in future endeavors. (You no-talent assclown.)
