NBA Draft Popcorn Story Numero Dos
tli232 arrives at the 3rd Annual Bus Pass Barbecue in an extremely bright yellow button-down with a black bow-tie, black shoes, gray sweatpants, and white long johns. He is greeted by llperez22, who stifles his laughter.
im sorry but you must have been on some new outrageous drug when u decided to post this
Yeah, I've been sniffing some paint, but don't tell my mom, OK? I don't want her to put me in the fridge again. It's hot as hell in there.
llperez and tli232 exchanged pleasantries for a while, but then they were inturrupted by TaylorCondrin. "Hey guys. Nice shirt tli, what kind of drugs were you on when you picked that out? Huh?!? Lol. Majorly." tli232's lips began to quiver. His eyes swelled up with tears as he ran to the closest outhouse. It was occupied, but tli232 was able to pick the lock (it was his Ivy-league-school major) and threw mikenike out. mikenike was face-down-arse-up in the dirt. His pants were around his ankles and his Home and Garden magazine in his left hand. tli232 slammed the door shut and began sobbing loudly in the outhouse.
"What's his problem?" mikenike said as he proudly (and shamelessly) picked himself up off the ground and pulled up his pants.
TaylorCondrin began to search his brain for his follow up, but he was inturruped by two martian aliens...
Just for the record, doucheology is his major; he has a certification in lock-picking, but not a degree.
Anyways, the two aliens who grabbed TaylorCondrin escort him to the grill, so that he can try their alien-meat burger. "Juicy," says TaylorCondrin, as his eyes water and his face turns green. He proceeds to pass out just a few seconds later.
Meanwhile, back at the outhouse, tli232 has found a "Men's Fitness" magazine, and he begins to skim through it. mikenike, who just finished pulling up his pants, is approached by Larry Pratt:
Pants on the ground!
Pants on the ground!
Lookin' like a foo' witcho pants on the ground!
Wit da gold in yo' mouth, hat turned sideways, call yoself a cool cat, walking downtown witcho pants on the ground!
Pants on the ground!
Pants on the ground!
Lookin' like a foo' witcho pants on the ground!
Wit da gold in yo' mouth, hat turned sideways, call yoself a cool cat, walking downtown witcho pants on the ground!
LOL,Idol refrence huh?
Mikenike and mr. Pratt decide to form an alliance against the mighty tli. They travel to moron mountain to get the monstars and they plan to suck the power out of tli in exchange for a krispy kreme donut
tli232 picked up the Men's Fitness magazine with the intention of bulking up. If he added a little muscle he could teach TaylorCondrin a lesson in manners, but something else happened. Staring at all those half-naked buff-bods made tli232 feel, unusual. He felt like a giant hole he had lived with his entire life had been filled. tli232 finally accepted himself for who he was as a person, but he was too afraid to admit to everyone else his newfound sexual orientation. He wanted to come out of the outhouse, but he just couldn't. Come out of the outhouse, tli232. Come out of the outhouse...
The two aliens had laced TaylorCondrin's burger with alien-roofies. What followed would be the most disturbing gang-bang ever described on NBADraft.net...
mikenike and Larry Pratt had to find a quicker way to reach Moron Mountain. They had a choice, they could either fly on John Wall's back, or be pulled on a sled by John Bryant...
They chose the sled because if they got cold on the horrible weather conditions on the way to moron mountain they could wrap themselves in his fat. on 13 day trip there during a snack break John Bryant went into hibernation, they would now have to find a way to wake him up
mikenike remembered his old gameboy-folklore. The only way to wake up John Bryant was to use the PoKe Flute.
It would be a 4 year long journey to reach the PoKe Flute, which was located in Zach Randolph's basement.
It's been a week. tli232 is still in the outhouse, and TaylorCondrin is still being brutally raped by multiple aliens at a time.
so whatever happened to that guy llperez? Please don't tell me he is gettng raped or is trapped in a outhouse.
llperez22 is very well. He is one of the aliens raping TaylorCondrin. (PLOT TWIST!)
(You should have filled in what llperez is doing, instead of leaving it up to me. Muahaha)
Um....TLI232 comes out of the Outhouse.... eventually, not understanding why people have to rip on him all the time. He proclaims that he didn't choose to major in Douche-ology, things just kinda went that way as his profs were Paris Hilton for Women's Studies, Pauly D from Jersey Shore guy for Intro to sociology, and of course Kanye West for Douche-baggery 101.
As Mikenike progresses on his journey to Zach Randolph's basement, news spreads that Randolph has quit on the Memphis Grizzlies to become the official mascot of Burger King. Subsequently, he cleaned out his basement, leaving no trace of the Pokeflute.....
Unfortunatly for tli232, the martian-aliens have had their fill of TaylorCondrin. They dropped him off where they had originally had picked him up. This was at the exact moment that tli232 had proclaimed that he didn't choose his major, and the lead alien, llperez, pointed his long, green finger at the flaming homosexual in the yellow shirt. "He will do nicely!" said llperez. "Grab him boys!"
Though tli232 was gay, he was not ready to deal with extra-terrestrial beastiality. He ran back into the outhouse as fast as he could, and locked the door behind him. He was surprised to see TaylorCondrin already hiding in there. "This is awkward." said tli232, as their bodies pressed together.
the leader of the gay aliens, really????
so tli232 and taylor condrin sat nervously inside the outhouse in fear of the tribe of gay aliens and tli whispered in taylor's ear, (cue Tiffany song) "I think we're alone now. Thea beating of our hearts is the only sound. I think were alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around."
But as they looked out the outhouse door to check , there was llperez leading the group of gay aliens towards the outhouse in a giant thriller dance with a fog behind them.
The aliens were getting closer, and tli and taylor knew they had to make a run for it. Just then, out of nowhere, quincey hodges comes in and starts arguing about how he doesn't like to evaluate players until they show him on the court and prove him wrong. Knowing that there was no point in arguing with quincey since he will not change his mind EVER, tli and taylor pushed him to the gay aliens as a way to distract them long enough to make a run for it.....
Quincey began telling the aliens about Derrick Favors and his low stats. "He's pretty raw. He needs to stay another year." The aliens couldn't get away from Quincey, they had to listen to him for more than four hours until Quincey saw a couple holding hands. He proceeded to chase them down and give them the Favors lecture.
llperez held his sexy-punishment-anal-probe in the air and screamed "You haven't seen the last of me tli232! You haven't seen me LAST!"
Meanwhile as mikenike and Larry Pratt pressed forward, they met a giant leprechaun named Aran Smith. "HEY THERE BOYS! HOW YA DOIN'?!?" screamed Aran Smith.
"We're fine. We're looking for the PoKe Flute so we can wake up our buddy John Bryant." replied mikenike.
"OHHHHH! I KNOW WHERE THE FLUTE IS HIDDEN! I'LL TELL YOU, BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN BEAT ME IN A TICKLE-OFF!!!"
mikenike and Mr. Pratt looked at each other, and decided who would enter the challenge...
Larry Pratt decided to challenge Aran to the tickle-off. Unbeknownst to Aran, Larry had lost the feeling in his armpits and ribs after a freak accident during an inter-gender boxing match. The tickle-off lasted for over an hour, until Aran finally conceded defeat. "Do you not feel that," said Aran, frustrated with a red face and his pants on the ground. "I tickled you halfway to death!" "Tell us where the flute is, or I'll drop your pants off the cliff," said mikenike. "AAAAAADDDDDDIIIIIIIII!!!" screamed Aran. "Now you're in for it, laddy, now you're in for it!"
Quincey, still lecturing the couple about the weaknesses of Derrick Favors, was approached by M. Night Shyamalan. "Quincey," said M. Night Shyamalan, "I'm going to start filming a movie in September titled 'Be Quiet Already,' and I want you to be the star." Quincey, bewildered by the fact that somebody approached him and didn't want to talk about basketball, began to criticize M. Night Shyamalan's lack of height and length. All the well-acclaimed movie director could do was shake his head....
tli232 and TaylorCondrin are still in the outhouse. The light mumble in tli232's stomach has turned into a fierce growl. He is starting to feel dehydrated, as his ridiculous outfit and lack of space have caused him to sweat profusely. llperez22 and his army of homosexual aliens are still waiting outside of the outhouse, playing Texas Hold 'Em and eating cheeseburgers and hot dogs prepared by yours truly:)
Enter 8'4" 530 pound Adi "The Tickle Troll" Joseph. "The legends are true." said the astonished mikenike.
"Hey," said The Tickle Troll. "You boys looking for this?" Adi "The Tickle Troll" unziped his pants and pulled down his boxers.
"The PoKe Flute is his...?" asked mikenike. "How can this be?"
"That's right. In an ultimate tickle match against my arch rival, Georgie "The Giggle Gnome", I lost my reproductive organ. I replaced it with this PoKe flute that I stole from the fat boy who works at Burger King... If you want it, come and get it..."
"He's no match for me!" said Larry Pratt. "Chyyyyarggggge!" In a cheap move, the physically exhausted (and pantsless) Aran Smith reached out and tripped Larry. Adi "The Tickle Troll" picked Larry up with one hand, removed his shoe and tickled the soles of his feet. "Hehe, no. "HAHAHAHA NOOOO HAHAHA" using the only move he could think of, Larry reached around The Tickle Troll, and put his hand somewhere it didn't belong...
tli232 couldn't handle the tension any longer. "Why did you make fun of my shirt?" he said. "We wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for you!"
"I guess, I guess I'm really just insecure about myself." Taylor replied, every orifice on his body sore from alien rapings. "But this experience, you know, being gang-banged for a week, has really put things in perspective. I'm sorry tli, I'm sorry."
"It's OK man... I, I lov..." tli's response was inturupted by a loud banging on the outhouse door.
"Hey, since you guys won't come out, we're just going to bring the outhouse to our home planet." llperez said through the door.
Larry's perverted act causes the Tickle Troll to collapse, subsequenly dropping Larry Pratt head-first, rendering them both unconscious. After a swift judo chop to Aran's solar plexus, mikenike proceeds to walk over to the Tickle Troll''s pants, only to find out that his zipper is password protected. He must find out the right word to unzip his pants and retrieve the PoKe Flute.....
llperez orders one of his alien soldiers to retrieve the bucket of power tools and moving truck from the alien spaceship. OJ Jones' special music guest, Ron Artest, has finally arrived at the barbeque. "You're late!" says OJ. "Yeah, I had to go get a half-pint, then I got lost," said Ron. "Oh great, now you're drunk too. No way I'm giving you that 'Song-Writing for Dummies' book that I promised you, and don't bother coming by the grill, either." Before OJ can finish introducing Ron to the crowd, Ron snatches the microphone and begins to freestyle. "Yo, DJ, hit it at a 90 degree angle!" His "music," which resembles a cross between nails scratching against a blackboard and Jermaine Jackson's greatest hits, causes the crowd great displeasure. Needless to say, llperez is distracted.
"This is our chance!" says tli232. "All right," says Taylor, "on the count of three, we're gonna make a run for it. One, two, th- let go of my hand!" "Sorry," says tli232, trying not to smile. "OK, one, two- LET GO!!!!!"
Don't you people know how a popcorn story works? Somebody else has to continue the story. Do you guys want mikenike and Larry Pratt to be stuck on Moron Mountain forever?
Larry's perverted act causes the Tickle Troll to collapse, subsequenly dropping Larry Pratt head-first, rendering them both unconscious. After a swift judo chop to Aran's solar plexus, mikenike proceeds to walk over to the Tickle Troll''s pants, only to find out that his zipper is password protected. He must find out the right word to unzip his pants and retrieve the PoKe Flute.....
Mikenike has no clue what the password may be...He has 2 chioces: 1) Dangle the troll over Tli's 10 century old, rotten dung filled toilet and threaten him to tell the password when he wakes up, or else(you knowwhat happens or else, right?) OR 2) Get one of the monstars to rip the trolls futureistic, non-flammable,stainless steel pants
Which will he choose?
But then mikenike realized that the tickle troll weighed 530 pounds. There was no way that he could dangle The Tickle Troll. His only choice would be to get a monstar, but then mikenike realized that he couldn't get to the monstars without John Bryant, and he couldn't wake up John Brynat unless he had the PoKe Flute. mikenike was so embarrassed that he forgot the other entries to the story, that he kicked The Tickle Troll's heel.
Then the speaker on the password-zipper popped. "Error" said the zipper. "Major Error. Oh man! Error, error, error! What do I do?!? ERRORRRRRRRR!!!!"
The password-zipper then busted. Blood spewed out of it. "Sweet!" said mikenike. "Larry, I got it! I got the PoKe Flute."
"mikenike... I knew you could do it... mikenike..." Larry said, his voice muffled by his tongue. "mikenike... I'm dying..."
"What? Don't talk crazy Larry!" mikenike replied. "You shut your mouth! You're going to make it! You just have to!"
"mikenike... It's ok. It's my time to go."
"But what about our dreams, Larry? We gonna get up to Moron Mountain. Just like you said. We gonna make it Larry!"
"Flute... in yo hand. Flute *cough* in yo hand... Looking... like a... hero..." Larry's tongue fell out of his life-less mouth.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" mikenike shouted to the heavens...
Meanwhile, back at the bus grounds, Ron Artest's rapping/mumbling was continuing to distract llperez22 and his crew of butt-raping aliens.
"Yo, yo. My rhymes is real good.
They make you all blinded.
Yo eyes got blinded
Cause my raps is real good
Me and Kobe gets in da clubs
We kick it with these aliens
But don't tell my lawyer
Cause he be tryna find meh
His name is Harvey Lemmings
He be sayin how I'm eatin
He told me 'Ron you awesome'
But I knew that already"
tli232 and TaylorCondrin used this to their advantage. Running in a straight line toward freedom. tli trailing behind, still holding Taylor's hand. "Come on man!" said Taylor. "Let's go in the woods."
"I like it when you're direct!" responded tli. "Oops did I say that out loud? Me and my big silly mouth."
tli232 and TaylorCondrin made it to the woods, but the plan wasn't as brillent as you might have thought. Because waiting in the woods, was ManBearPig...
I want to say a few things. So TIMEOUT!
1. I tried twice to continue the story before. The first time, my computer shut off right before I finished. The second time, I accidently hit the refresh button when trying to post it. Both times I lost everything. I got frustrated and gave up.
2. This is a really good story. So far everybody has contributated to it. Even tli232. What a good sport!
3. This story has layers. I think they could use it to teach english to kids in school. Look at what I found.
Oxymoron - "they met a giant leprechaun named Aran Smith" A giant leprechaun. Perfect.
Irony - "Do you not feel that," said Aran, frustrated with a red face and his pants on the ground." Larry Pratt is the reason Aran's pants are on the ground. Ironic, no?
Metaphor - 'Come out of the outhouse, tli232. Come out of the outhouse..." Metaphor for coming out of the closet, as every gay person must do.
Overall I'm really proud of our work in this Popcorn Story seqeal. Let's keep up the good work!
ManBearPig stared at tli232 and Taylor, smacking his lips, snorting and growling. "No way," said Taylor, frustrated and scared out of his mind while hiding behind a tree with tli232. "Is that a ManBearPig? I thought that they were only indigenous to the Western region of the U.S. It doesn't matter, we, excuse me, I have to do something if we wanna make it out of here alive." "EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" said tli232, in a fetal position with his thumb in his mouth. Taylor proceeded to throw rocks and branch pieces at ManBearPig, but each blow was met with an amplified Eddie Murphy-esque laugh. He soon ran out of things to throw, and the slowly approaching ManBearPig drew closer and closer. Just as ManBearPig had gotten within arm's length of the tree, Quincey Hodges had pulled up in his 1976 Ford Pinto. M. Night Shyamalan was duck-taped and hog-tied in the backseat, and "Karma Chameleon" was blasting through the radio. ManBearPig could not take the horrible tunes, so he covered his ears and waited for it to stop. "Get in! I'm not sticking around for much longer. Derrick Favors is playing soon!" Taylor and tli232 had two choices: either go with Quincey and listen to him straw-man and deflect all of their opinions for two hours, or be taken by ManBearPig......
Back at the bus grounds, Ron had finally finished performing, and he went to a picnic table to lie down. Just as he had gotten comfortable, he was hit in the head by a plastic cup filled with cream soda. As Ron got up to search for the source of the thrown cup, he heard a voice: "You suck, MAYNE! Tell me who da best?" It was Eli Porter, freestyle legend and Internet sensation. Ron unnecessarily leaped over a series of tables and midgets in a blind fit of rage, his eyes locked on Eli. Little did he know that Eli was there with his notorious four-man crew, the Short Bus Ridaz......
Mikenike gave Larry a proper burial. He cried for nearly 3 minutes, but he knew he had to carry on to reach the top of Moron Mountain. After he used the PoKe Flute to wake John Bryant up, he saw a face in the sky. It was John Kreese, Cobra-Kai master. "You have a new goal, Mikenike: you must reach the top of Moron Mountain, sweep the leg and get the remote to disable the alien spaceship. The fate of the Milky Way Galaxy rests in your hands."
"I didn't come up here for this," said Mikenike.
"Do you have a problem, Mr. Nike?"
"Yeah, I don't know karate."
"What if he has, like, really heavy legs?"
"Sweep it, or I'll sweep you."
Mikenike could only wonder what or who was at the top of the mountain.....
"Listen man we don't have a choice..." Taylor told tli232. "So, we're just going to have to deal!"
tli232 stood up. "I, I guess I understand."
"BEAT IT QUINCEY!" shouted TaylorCondrin. "We don't need your Culture Club or your Derrick Favors bashin'!"
"Screw you guys!" Quincey Hodges replied. "I'm outie!"
Quincey drove away, the music faded and ManBearPig put down his hairy hands. "Finally! Now you puries will meet your DOOMED DESTRUCTION OF PURE-HUMAN-DOOM!"
"Oh, I'll just go for it!" tli232 said before he laid a big, gay, juicy kiss right on Taylor's lips.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You fellas are gay?" the startled ManBearPig said.
"Yeah, so what? We rock the rainbow, so you need to deal! Ok, sweetie!?!" tli said with a snap of his fingers and every ounce of gay-sass in his body. Taylor could do nothing but put his hand on his forehead and sigh.
"Well, do you think you could... Oh nevermind! Come here so I can eat your genitals!"
"Don't be a bashful-Bonshiqa! Just say what you feel! That's what I do!"
"Um. Maybe, you guys could, um. Give, me... a, you know. Um, a make over." ManBearPig said while looking at the ground. "I... I can't... really get any girls. I'm a man. I have manly needs, but girls don't want a man, who is also a pig. And a bear. My half-brother, PedoBear, gets all kind of girls, but I want something meaningful. With a full-grown lady..."
tli looked up with a big-fruitiful smile. "OMIGOSH! That would be fab! This'll be no problem! Come on Taylor!" tli waved his hands in the air as he ran to ManBearPig's side. He grabbed the big hairy arm and jumped up and down. "This'll be soooooo much fun!" Even ManBearPig had to smile and do a little Murphy-giggle...
*Montage of body hair removal, tweezing eyebrows, shopping and scrubbing.*
Ron Artest had charged at Eli, but when he noticed the Short Bus Ridaz he stopped dead in his tracks. There they were, standing right in front of his face. Eli Porter, Baron Davis, Justin Bieber, Gary Busey, and the cat from the Cheetos commercials. "U gotz a prollum, bitss?" Eli asked. Ron looked at the crew, but couldn't manage to get a word out.
"Boss asked you a question, poophead!" said Justin Bieber, who was wielding a sword made out of tinker-toys.
Ron managed to divert his attention away from Gary Busey's eyes, and his sense slowly returned to him. "Yeah. Youse a little punk!"
"This brother thinks he's a cool-cat." said Chester Cheetah. "Let's put him in the sack, and bring him back to head quarters."
Baron Davis, Chester Cheetah and Gary Busey managed to wrestle him down and stuff him in a sack.
"We'll ripen him up in the cage!" said Gary Busey. "He'll ripen well with the other prisoner. The one I sacked last night."
The Short Bus Ridaz dragged the struggling Artest back to headquarters, and put him in the cage, where he saw his new cellmate...
Mr. Bryant dragged mikenike up Moron Mountain. There he saw his opponent, Ginger Kid. "Oh, snap. This'll be easy. Ginger kids don't have souls."
"GINGERS HAVE SOULS!" Ginger Kid replied, pointing his finger at mikenike.
"Nah, no they don't." mikenike stated, with John Bryant nodding in agreement.
"OH that's it!!! Prepare to drown, non-ginger!"
"But, there's no water around..."
ManBearPig's transformation made him look human, much to the chagrin of tli232.
"Doesn't he look fabulous, Taylor?" said tli232, holding a mirror up to a giggling ManBearPig
"I don't care how he looks," mumbled Taylor. "You kiss me again, and I'll kick you in your fruity little bird-chest."
"I'm sorry, darling, I didn't hear you. Could you repeat yourself?"
"Yeah, yeah, he looks great."
Taylor and tli232 brought ManBearPig back to the barbecue, where llperez22 and his army of homosexual aliens were still waiting by the outhouse. Luckily, Taylor noticed them as they entered the bus grounds, and they took an alternate route to the other side of the barbeque. A few minutes after they settled in, tli232 came up with the idea to send ManBearPig to a club to meet some women. What tli232 didn't know was that the club he was sending ManBearPig to was a lesbian club...........
Mikenike and Ginger Kid squared off in a classic martial-arts film battle. They each threw over 100 punches and kicks, all of them blocked. Just as they threw their last blows, Mikenike realized that Ginger Kid was weak to judo chops, which happened to be Mikenike's signature move. Mikenike threw a judo chop to Ginger Kid's skinny neck, making him crumble to the ground and disappear like a Super Nintendo boss. He took a pose in classic 64-bit form, then continued up the mountain.
Two hours later, Mikenike noticed a large neon sign of a crack-head eating pizza, then break-dancing. Below the break-dancing pizza fiend was an arrow that pointed down to Daddy Green's Pizza.
"Look, John, someplace where we can rest our heads. I can get some food and water, and who knows, they might even have some Boy Scouts."
"Bryant! Bryant! John Bryant! Bryant!" said an excited John Bryant in typical Martial Arts-O-Mon fashion. Mikenike made his way over to Daddy Green's Pizza, hooked John Bryant up to his leash outside, and walked inside.
"I see you directed yo feet-za to Daddy Green's Pizza! What can I get you?"
"Uuuuummmmmm," said Mikenike, looking at the menu.
"Hey, wait a minute," said Daddy Green, "You da' guy goin' all the way up the mountain, right? Yeah, John Kreese told me you were coming. I filled a backpack with everything you need. It has 9 gallons of water, 8 slices of pizza, 7 oatmeal raisin cookies, 6 Tae-Kwon-Do Oh balls, 5 Mixed Martial Arts-Oh Balls, 4 Scottish Terriers as a snack for John Bryant, 3 pairs of Jordans, 2 big bags of Doritos, and 1 Crossbow. I looked for some arrows, but I couldn't find any. Also, there's 5 opponents you gotta beat before getting to the top of the mountain. They all have their own area."
"Thanks," said Mikenike, pulling out 17 ounces of silver out of his own backpack. "By the way, do you know where I can find some Boy Scouts? It's for my John Bryant, he needs them for fuel."
"Yeah, I can give you a map to Boy Scout Cottage, but I'd have to go to the computer in the back."
"Junior's back there, and he don't like visitors."
"Hahaha! You're afraid of your own son? He used to swim around in your nuts, for crying out loud! Let me handle this."
Mikenike walked to the back room, cracking his knuckles and practicing the form on his judo chop. It was there that he spotted Leroy Green, who just finished splashing water all over himself to make it look like he had just finished working out.
"So you are the famous Mikenike? Leave us, Father, we must engage in battle."
"You sound like a nerd. 'Leave us, Father, I must get my a$$ kicked all over my own fake dojo.' Hey, Daddy Green, do me a favor: make sure nobody takes my John Bryant."
"I ain't too sure anybody wants that thing, but O.K."
Mikenike charged recklessly at Leroy and delivered a judo chop, but it barely fazed Leroy, who countered with three front kicks, an elbow to the ribs, a left hook and a telegraphed spin kick. Mikenike laid on the ground, completely clueless about the pain that suddenly overtook him. "No mayonnaise on my burger. NO MAYO!!!!" shouted Mikenike. In his state of confusion, he threw a Judo-Oh Ball at Leroy, who caught it, threw it back at Mikenike, and captured him instantaneously. What would follow is a 6 month training program that would make Mikenike one of the fiercest warriors to ever grace Moron Mountain, even giving him the ability to fly short distances......
The Short Bus Ridaz brought Ron back to their lair, which was Justin Bieber's basement. Seeing as how the Short Bus Ridaz weren't smart enough to consistently clean up after themselves, the basement reeked of unwashed socks, pepperoni Hot Pockets, and remnants of Red Bull.
"I gotta go to a bi-sexual bridal shower," said Eli, "so I'll see y'all later."
"Tie him up!" said Justin, poking Ron repeatedly with his toy sword. "Hurts, doesn't it? This is only the beginning. Wait until Chester re-loads the Cheeto machine!"
Ron was tied up in the cage, next to his cell mate, SpencerisHawesome.
"Ay, homey," said Ron, "how long you been in here?" SpencerisHawesome was completely inebriated; Chester Cheeto's Cheeto hose had done a number on him, robbing him of any life he had left after being tli232's victim for three months. He was still breathing, but barely. Ron kept trying to kick SpencerisHawesome, but he wasn't in leg's reach. It was then that Ron turned to his left and saw his third cell-mate, The Pepsi Girl.
"How long you been in here, lil' ma'am miss lady hootchie?"
"Eight years," said Pepsi Girl in a loud, raspy voice. "Eight F'ing years."
tli, TaylorCondrin and ManBearPig looked around... "I'd, uh, give the talent here a D." said ManBearPig.
"Guys I don't think we're in the right place..." said Taylor.
A very homely-looking woman, wearing flannel, denim and a cowboy hat, approached the group. She wore extremely flat tennis shoes, and had her hair cut short. "My God! You are the most lesbonic-looking woman I've ever seen!" the lesbian said to TaylorCondrin. TaylorCondrin sighed. He put his head down and left the lesbian club. "Give her my number, will you?" The lesbian asked tli, as she gave him her card.
tli and ManBearPig followed a distrought TaylorCondrin out the exit. "Maybe love just isn't for me..." said ManBearPig. Everybody in the group was feeling equally depressed until they were approached by a studio executive.
"Hey you!" The studio executive exclaimed, while pointing to ManBearPig. "You are perfect! Wait, no! You are beyond perfect! How would you like to star in the next Twilight movie as Bella's third lover?"
mikenike had just finished his training with Leroy Green. Leroy released him from capture. "You're free now. Go and reach the top of the mountain. Defeat the five trainers, and achieve 'The Glow'."
"I will," said mikenike. "With my training, and my trusty John Bryant, anything is possible."
mikenike and Leroy Green said their goodbyes, and mikenike took his John Bryant and left to fight the first trainer...
At the SBR HQ, Ron Artest was still tied up with SpencerisHawesome and Pepsi Girl. Gary Busey was sitting inches away from the bars of the cage, staring directly into Artest's eyes. Busey was making a slight gargling sound and rubbing his nipples.
"Justy-Bear," a woman cried from the top of the stairs. "I made you and your gang chocolate-chip cookies!"
"Mom, come on!" Justin Bieber whined.
"Oh, I'm sorry. You're still playing torture with your little friends."
"No, mom! We are ripening them! Gosh you're so embarrasing!"
"Well I'll just leave the cookies down here for you. Have fun!"
"Thank you, Mrs. Bieber!" said Baron Davis as he reached for a cookie.
"You're welcome, Baron! Tell your grandmother I said hi!"
As Mrs. Bieber left the room, Gary Busey stood up to get some cookies. Ron Artest wanted to use this time to find out what was going on. "What are they ripening us for?" he whispered to Pepsi Girl.
"I don't know. They've been talking about ripening for 8 years. But they haven't done anything to me. But before you guys, they got some guy namd QHaynes and ripened him for a week. They said he was finished ripening, and took him away. I have no idea what happened to him..."
Gary Busey returned with a handful of cookies and a juice box. "The black one ripened a lot since I been gone. I bet he'll be fully ripe in a day or two." Busey said with a big smile on his face...
Quincey Hodges was back at home sitting on his couch. M. Night Shyamalan was still tied up, and being forced to watch the game on TV.
"See? SEE?!? I told you!!! Look at that footwork! It's terrible! He got lucky that he dunked that!" Quincey screamed to M. Night Shyamalan.
"Derrick Favors is an elite athlete, and is the frontrunner for ACC Freshman of the Year!" the announcer of the TV said.
"WHAT?!? WHAT?!? NOOOO!!!! THAT DOES IT!!! I'M GOING TO KILL DERRICK FAVORS!!!" yelled Quincey to the TV. "You want to come M.?" M. Night Shyamalan shook his head and muffled the word no. "Of course you do! Derrick Favors is overrated! Let's go!"
Quincey paked his bag and boarded a bus for Georgia, with who he thought was his best friend, M. Night Shyamalan.
llperez was getting impatient. He had grown tired of waiting on tli and TaylorCondrin. He enlisted the help of one of his rapist-alien friends, LumberJack Iggy, to cut the outhouse in half. When he finished llperez, LumberJack Iggy and OrangeJuiceJones looked into the empty outhouse.
"They got away..." said OrangeJuiceJones. "Now who will we rape?"
"I flew 6,000 light years for a party, and I wanna party!" said LumberJack Iggy.
"Look guys, I'm as horny as the rest of you, and I've got 65 crew-members who also deserve a little human. I'll see to it that we find somebody." said the leader, llperez.
"I think we should hunt down that tli guy. He revs my engine, if you know what I mean..." said OrangeJuiceJones.
"I want that Ron Artest fellow. I love raping annoying guys... Wait, maybe we should go for Quincey Hodges... Who should we pursue, boss?"
"Hmmm... All three would be good choices..." replied llperez. "OK, I've decided. We are going to put all our efforts into a grand capture. We will take him back to our love-ship, and sodomize his every hole. We will pulverize his nose, ears, mouth, anus and anything else we can find with our sharp, thorny, alien-penises. We are going to have a three-month-long, freaky-alien-orgy. I'm even going to let our alien dragon-tigers get their rocks off on this person. The person we are going to capture is..."
Taylor carried tli232 to a McDonald's bathroom, splashing toilet water on him to wake him up. After five minutes of splashing, tli232 began coughing.
"Taylor," said a groggy tli232, "I think I need mouth-to-mouth."
"I'm gonna give you fist-to-face if you don't stop with that gay crap!"
"Oooo, Taylor, I love it when you're violent!" said tli232, puckering his lips and batting his eyelashes.
Taylor's frustrations had finally boiled over. He ripped off the stall door, lifted it over his head, and stood directly over tli232. Just as he was about to strike him, Eli Porter walked in. Eli was in a bad mood, as he was kicked out of the bi-sexual bridal shower for making people cry with his incredible rhymes after they said he wasn't the best.
"I got one question, man," said Eli.
"What?" said Taylor, quickly dropping the stall door so he wouldn't look suspicious. As soon as Taylor let his guard down, Eli gave him a shoryuken to the chin, knocking him out cold. He then knocked out tli232 with an elbow drop, and pulled a large black garbage bag out of his pocket. He wanted to take both of them back to the HQ, but he only had room for one, so he took Taylor.............
Mikenike and John Bryant reached the first level of the mountain, dully named "Level One," where they met the first challenger, Ling-Ling from "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist."
"I don't hit girls," said Mikenike, "especially now that I have these powers."
"You will fight me! WEE OOOH WEE OOOH WEE OOOH WEE!"
Ling-Ling ran towards Mikenike and delivered a series of kicks and punches, which Mikenike blocked with his left hand while eating a slice of pizza with his right.
"No fair!" shouted an out-of-breath Ling-Ling.
"I'm outta here," said Mikenike.
"I'm not finished with you OOOH WEE OOOH WEE!" said Ling-Ling. She decided to follow Mikenike as he left. Mikenike, knowing that he needed his left hand to fight whomever was next, spun around Ling-Ling, tied her up, pointed at her and laughed Nelson-style until his voice was hoarse.
"That was too easy," said Mikenike, "I hope that the next fighter is tougher than that; I need a challenge."
Little did he know that the challenger on Level Two would be..........
As Gary, Justin and Baron ate their cookies while watching "Hannah Montana," Ron tried to think of a plan to escape.
"Ay, ay, ay," said Ron, "lil miss lady ma'am hootchie and no-talkin dude, y'all wanna get outta here?"
"Is the sky blue?" said Pepsi Girl "I would tell you to call me by my real name, but you don't seem like the brightest bulb in the chandelier."
Ron, unaware of the meaning of the saying, attempted his plan: wiggle free.
"I knew it!" said Pepsi Girl. "You should really be one of them. Did you take the same classes as they did?"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Tru Warier!" said Ron in a fit of rage, thinking that it would give him super-human strength and help him break out of the cage.
Just as the gang finished their cookies, Eli walked in with his prized possession, Taylor. He tied him up with the rest and called Chester Cheeto.
"Chester, is the Cheeto Hose ready yet?"
"Yep," replied Chester. "She's all yours."
Eli brought the machine over to Ron, who was still trying to wiggle free. He turned it on, pointed it at Ron, and shouted:
"Tell me who da best!"
"Uuuummmmm," said Ron, "Kobe?"
"Shut the F up, Mayne!" said Eli, blasting him with the hose.
"Tell me who the best?"
"That girl from the Drake song?"
"Shut the F up, Mayne!"
"HOW IS THAT NOT IT?"
Eli continued to ask Ron who was the best for another hour, and Ron still couldn't figure out that Eli just wanted Ron to say that Eli was the best. Unfortunately, the Cheeto goodness left Ron temporarily blind, so he would have no chance to escape. As soon as Eli left, SpencerisHawesome began to slowly blink his eyes.............
Quincey Hodges was seated in the back of a Greyhound bus to Georgia; M. Night Shyamalan was stuffed in the cargo area directly below him. Quincey pulled out an issue of Slam magazine, which had a story about Derrick Favors.
"HE'S NOT A FREAK ATHLETE!" said Quincey, fuming out of the mouth like a rabid dog. "That's all right, though. That is ooooookkkkkk. In a couple of days, this will all be over....... I hope."
"Hey, if you yell again, I'm gonna have you leave," said a security guard. "Hey, is that Derrick Favors on the front cover? Gee, that kid can really-"
Before he could finish, Quincey jumped out of his seat and started attacking the security guard. They scuffled in classic Peter Griffin Vs. Chicken style. They fought all the way to the front of the bus, where the bus driver simply opened the door and let them fall out. The fall temporarily stopped them from fighting, but they were back at it a few seconds later.
The tape that Quincey used to tie M. Night Shyamalan up with was starting to crumple up. The director slipped out of the tape, and he found the latch to the cargo area. All he had to do now was wait until the bus stopped and let himself out....
llperez, Lumberjack Iggy and OrangeJuiceJones decided to hunt tli232. They used llperez's thermal goggles to navigate the woods, but they didn't find them. They decided to set up camp in the woods, but it only lasted for 20 minutes.
"Let's go get something to eat," said Lumberjack Iggy.
"We should have ate at the barbecue," said OrangeJuiceJones.
"No way, man, I want something bigger than those tiny burgers you gave us," said llperez.
"I want some tli with barbecue sauce," said OrangeJuiceJones, licking his lips.
They found a street laced with restaurants, and after a game of eeny-meeny-miny-moe by LumberJack Iggy, they selected McDonald's.......
Just in case you don't know who Ling-Ling is:
You guys should write for the onion because this stuff is freakin hilarious.
mikenike and John Bryant approached their second destination. It was a bridge. "I'm fully expecting Afro Samurai to pop out and chop my body off. John Bryant, do you think this bridge can hold your weight?" mikenike asked. "Nevermind your answer. I guess I can just fly you across... Hmmmm, it's times like these that I wish you could fit inside a Judo-Oh Ball..."
"STOP!!!" shouted a strange little, hairy man with a cane. "Who would cross the bridge of death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."
"But I can fly, can't I just fly?"
"What is your name?"
"Ok, ok... My name is mikenike."
"What is your quest?"
"To defeat the five trainers and achieve the 'The Glow'"
"What, is your favorite color?"
"Alright, off you go."
"Really? Well that was easy. Come on John Bryant."
"STOP!!!" the hairy one gestured to John Bryant. "Who would cross the bridge of death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."
"What? But he can't answer. He is the result of his mother eating tubs of lard while pregnant! His father was a Snorlax!" mikenike tried to reason, but to no avail.
"What is your name?"
"John Bryant!" replied an oblivious John Bryant.
"What is your quest?"
"What has the highest body fat percentage ever recorded by man or beast?
"Alright, off you go!"
"Let's bounce!" said mikenike. "Off to Trainer Three..."
llperez, LumberJack Iggy and OrangeJuiceJones entered the McDonalds.
"Well this is appalling," said LumberJack Iggy. "I think I'm going to call LumberJack Obama and complain."
"Obama is from planet LumberJacking?" asked llperez.
"Of course. He became president just to make a universal health care system that would drug the Americans so we could sodomize them back in our galaxy. Human sex slaves sell for a lot on planet LumberJacking."
"Naturally." replied llperez.
"Naturally." confirmed LumberJack Iggy.
"Guys, I'm gonna go take an alien-pee." OrangeJuiceJones told his friends. "I'll be back in a few hours."
llperez scoffed, "Well, damn. You couldn't have gone earlier? You know how messy alien-pee is..."
"Business is business!" cried OrangeJuiceJones.
"Amateur." llperez said under his breath. OrangeJuiceJones headed for the restroom as LumberJack Iggy dialed his cell phone to call LumberJack Obama.
OrangeJuiceJones entered the McDonalds restroom. He looked to his right to see a young man around the age of 7 peeing in a stall-less toilet. "Go, Earth friend, go!" said OrangeJuiceJones, trying to act inconspicuous. "You can finish, I know you have the strength in you!" The boy began sobbing. He quickly finished and ran out of the restroom without washing his hands. "Earth rocks!" OrangeJuiceJones shouted to the frightened child. "Good thing I'm able to act as natural as a normal human-beast-creature." OrangeJuiceJones began the long and messy process of relieving his alien bladder.
Outside of the restroom, LumberJackIggy frantically ran to llperez's side. "llperez, LumberJack Obama just informed me that a group called the Short Bus Ridaz has been capturing humans and imprisoning them for unknown reasons!"
"So what?" asked llperez.
"So, the people they have been capturing have been from this area! They probably have tli... I have the address, we can check it out!"
llperez chuckled. "You done good. These Short Bus Ridaz have made our jobs so much easier. As soon as OrangeJuiceJones finishes, we will go to this residence and take the prisoner, tli."
llperez and LumberJack Iggy begin their evil-hysteric laughing...
Quincey Hodges and the security guard fought for hours. Quincey was getting tired and the security guard just wasn't seeming to let up. So Quincey pulled out the revolver in his back pocket he was going to use for Derrick Favors and pointed it at the security guard's head. The security guard put his hands up and said, "Please don't do this"
Quincey Hodges cocked the hammer and used his awesomest, action-movie catch-phrase. "I can't do you any Favors..." Quincey pulled the trigger, and shot the security guard in the face. He walked over to him, and stood above his dead corpse. "You're a bust..."
The blinded Ron Artest was left physically exhausted. "There is only one way out of this..." Ron said. "I'll have to use my def rhymes to cut us loose."
"Who are you guys?!?" The now half-conscious SpenserisHawesome mumbled. "What am I doing here?"
"Now it's a party..." Pepsi Girl said sarcastically.
"I hope tli took my abuse with good humor... I may never get a chance to tell the little fruit I'm sorry." admitted TaylorCondrin. "I mean, his gayness gets annoying. But we've been through so much, and he's my best friend in the world. I hope he's safe..."
"I'm sure he is." Pepsi Girl said. Trying to reassure her new cellmate.
"I gotz ropes on muy hands, I gotz dope on muy bands!
I'ma bein' shackled, I should have, uh, tackled
The mighty Eli Porter, but he gotz a mean krew.
That Busey dude, is, uh, really, really, rude."
"Please stop! I can handle the Cheeto Hose, but that is the worst torture in the world! I would rather be gang-banged by aliens than put up with that!" said SpencerisHawesome.
"Yeah. Haha, good crack about the alien-rape! Like that would ever happen!" TaylorCondrin said, before looking down and taking a deep breath. "I'm glad I've never been raped by aliens. Because I haven't! You can't prove anything! KEEP YOUR FORENSICS AWAY FROM MY ANUS!"
"Hey lil' miss lady ma'am hootchie, I want you to touch me like I'm blllind!"
"Why can't I ever get any normal cellmates?" Pepsi Girl asked herself.
The basement door opened. "They are right down the stairs." said Mrs. Bieber.
"Thanks a bil'! And your cookies were delish!"
"Wait a minute... Could it be?" asked a confused Taylor...
tli232 walked slowly down the stairs. He was armed to the teeth with an army-grade assault rifle and a bullet bandolier across his bare chest. He was wearing army-camo pants and military boots. He had a cigarette in his ear (just for show) and army face-paint. He was decked out with a pistol, three grenades and a large knife.
"tli... you... look... amazing!" said the astonished TaylorCondrin.
"Tell me about it, stud." replied tli as he threw his cigarette on the floor and stepped on it.
"Heeeey we're here to break you guys out of here!" said the man tli was with.
"I know that can't be my boy!" Ron Artest exclaimed.
"Ron, baby! You look like you've been eating! You're so awesome!"
"Harvey Lemmings! I never thought you'd find me!"
"I'm your lawyer baby! Who else is going to defend you when you sexually harass underage white women?"
"Well I'm lucky you're here, because it just so happens that just before you walked in..."
"Enough!" cried SpencerisHawesome. "Can you guys get us out of here or not?!? Wait a second... Don't I know you from somewhere?"
"It's all going to be OK, honey-sickle." tli said as he began picking the lock with ease... "I have an Ivy league school certification in lock-picking..."
Mikenike and John Bryant walked for two miles after crossing the bridge, until they found a mansion made out of Cheez Doodles.
"I wonder who lives here," said Mikenike.
"John Bryant?" said a befuddled John Bryant.
"John, there's no way you...... never mind. Wait here, and don't eat the Cheez Doodles fence."
Mikenike left John Bryant outside, flew over the fence, and peeked through a small window to the dining room. It was there that he saw five people seated at a table: Tyler Perry, Evander Holyfield, Grandma Klump, Mr. T, and the owner of the house: Stephen A. Smith, who had his palace built shortly after he left ESPN.
"Look," said Tyler Perry, "I came over here because I want you guys to star in my upcoming movie: 'I No Longer Wonder Why I Got Married to Madea, Who Preys on Angry Black Women With the Browns, Who Play Basketball on Tuesdays.' Stephen A., I want you to star as the head basketball coach at the local high school who takes on a role as a boyfriend to the star basketball player's mother, who somehow has 5 children with 11 different dads. Grandma Klump, I want you to star as the self-proclaimed family matriarch who gets on everyone's nerves with her ridiculous need to give useless advice. Mr. T, I want you to star as the all-wise, all-knowing and all-doing algebra teacher. And Evander...... I forgot why you're here."
"Well, everybody know that the teacha don't preach the gospel to the chicken wit da ingrown toenail," said Evander. "And everybody know that Doggy try to swim, but the earphone kept ringin, in God Jesus trust. Windex."
"Hold on, Mr. Perry," said Grandma Klump, "wit cho' fine self. You want me in yo' movie? Well, I-" Just as she was about to speak, she ripped one of her many daily farts.
"That stinks worse than Kwamay Brown!" said Stephen A. Smith. "Lemme take that back; NOTHING stinks worse than Kwamay Brown, not even Slava Medvedenko! Kwamay can run. HOWEVA, he can't really run. He has small hands, he can't catch the ball. HOWEVA, he can kinda catch the ball. The man is a bonafide scrub!"
"SHUT UP, FOOLS!" shouted a frustrated Mr. T. "Evanda, why'd you really come up here, man? Can't talk nothin' right, can't even sit up straight. And you, Grandma Klump! Get your bowels togetha! Over here fartin up a storm, gonna make the Cheez Doodles all rotten! And you, Tyler Perry! I don't even know why people like yo' movies so much! Yo' characters are real stereotypical, always goin' around yellin' and talkin' ebonics! Madea has to be the worst character I've ever seen in my life! You want me to be a algebra teacha? Why don't you make me a coach or somethin? I gotta be tough! I'm a night elf mohawk! Stephen A., first you say Kwame can't run, then you say he can run. Then you say he can't catch, then you say he can catch. Make up yo' mind, sucka!"
The entire dining room became silent, until Tyler Perry heard somebody on the outside laughing.
"Wait here," said Tyler Perry, changing into his Madea costume.
"Whatchu gonna do," said Mr. T, "scare 'em to death with your crossdressin' antics? I'm a night elf mohawk; I fight betta than you any day!"
Mr. T and the others stormed outside and saw Mikenike on the crunchy Cheez Doodles laced grass, laughing so hard that his face was turning red. Before Mr. T could grab him, Mikenike flew upwards and landed on the roof, waiting until everyone went back inside. After they went inside, Mikenike sneaked in through the chimney, landing in Stephen A. Smith's idolization room. It was a very weird room: there were faux paintings and Photo-shopped pictures of Stephen A. dunking on LeBron and crossing over Kobe. There were also a series of life-sized statues of Stephen A. in various poses, and all 5 and 3/4 episodes of "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith." After Mikenike got through the idolization room, he snuck into the dining room.
"There he go!" said Grandma Klump, ready to fight in her early 20th century boxing stance. "Come on, Cletus; you walkin' over, but you limpin' back!"
Mikenike knew that he could take on all 5 of them and beat them easily, but he decided to have some fun. He quickly built a small outhouse, trapped Grandma Klump inside of it and locked it, forcing her to smell her own farts for all eternity. He gave Evander a Lego set, which would keep him busy for years. He threw Tyler Perry all the way over the fence, where he was eaten by John Bryant, never to make another movie. Mr. T and Stephen A. Smith were both given roundhouse kicks and knocked out, so that Mikenike could capture them in case he had to use them in a battle.
"What the duck! I thought there were only supposed to be one trainer on each level," said Mikenike as he searched the house for the sign to Level Four. "Doesn't matter; that was easier than the fight with WEE OOOH WEE OOOH girl." He found a key and a map to Level Four in Stephen A. Smith's basement. He would have to go through an old Monstars burial ground in the back of Stephen A's mansion to get to Level Four, so he went back outside, got John Bryant, and went around the back of the mansion.....
After two hours, OrangeJuiceJones finally finished his alien-pee. In that time-span, he met two managers, one angry parent and six bathroom patrons, all of whom were laying on the floor unconscious.
"What happened in here?" said a baffled llperez.
"They came in here, looked around and passed out," shrugged OrangeJuiceJones. "Where's Lumberjack Iggy?"
"Eating Chicken Selects."
"Aaaahhhh, trying to be an Earthling, I see," said OrangeJuiceJones. "Very smart."
"Are you guys ready?" said Lumberjack Iggy, who just finished eating the cardboard box of Chicken Selects.
"I don't think you're supposed to do that," said OrangeJuiceJones.
"Whatever," said Lumberjack Iggy. "Let's go get some REAL food!"
The three homosexual aliens quickly found the SBR's lair, and they rang the doorbell. They were greeted by Mrs. Bieber.
"Hello!" said Mrs. Bieber. "Can I help you?"
"Let me handle this, guys," whispered OrangeJuiceJones. "Hello, ma'am, is your-" OrangeJuiceJones quickly used his x-ray vision to find out the name and gender of Mrs. Bieber's child- "son Justin home?"
"No, he just left with his little friends to go play 'ripening' or something. I have some oatmeal cookies that just came out of the oven. Please, come in and try some!"
It was then that llperez and his homosexual alien henchmen developed an insatiable desire for Mrs. Bieber's cookies.......
The bus that M. Night Shyamalan was traveling on came to a rest stop shortly after Quincey and the security guard left the bus, so he let himself out. He then found a pay-phone and called the police to report Quincey's wrongdoings. Little did he know that Quincey was already being chased by the police.
After Quincey shot the security guard, he found the car of his dreams, a 1974 AMC Gremlin. He hot-wired the car and took off. He pushed the pedal to the floor and "flew" down the open road at the car's maximum speed of 60 M.P.H, ignoring the posted speed limit of 35 M.P.H. A traffic cop soon clocked him speeding and started chasing him.
"Uh-oh," thought Quincey. "They're on to me already?"
Thinking that he was being chased for the murder of the security guard, Quincey refused to slow down, which only aggravated the methamphetamine-wired police officer. Even though an angry cop was on his tail, Quincey only had one thing on his mind: his car didn't have a C.D player.
"How am I supposed to listen to 'Destiny's Child' or 'SWV' without a C.D. player?" said Quincey. "I got it! I'll just sing them myself!"
Quincey began to sing his favorite Destiny's Child song, "Bootylicious," unaware that the police officer was right next to him, just cruising along.
"I don't think you're ready for spaghetti! I don't think you're ready for my 'sgetti! Cuz' my body too bootylicious for you, babe!"
The police officer began to laugh to the point of exhaustion, taking his eyes off the road and the ditch shortly ahead.......
Ron, Pepsi Girl, SpencerIsHawesome, TaylorCondrin and tli232 quickly and quietly escaped past the SBR's, whose eyes were still fixated on the Disney channel. They walked upstairs, grabbed some chocolate chip cookies, and left.
"That was easy," said Pepsi Girl. "Too bad I still have to walk with you weirdos."
"Ay, yo, lil' miss lady ma'am hootchie," said Ron, who was slowly regaining his sight, "you ain't gotta walk with us."
"Oh, yeah, because I know exactly where I am, right?"
"Yeah," said a confused Ron, unaware that she was being sarcastic.
"Hey, Ron," said Pepsi Girl, "Did you know that for every sentence that comes out of your mouth, a Malaysian puppy dies?"
"Wow," said Ron, "I guess I should stop talkin', then, huh?"
"That's the first smart thing I've ever heard you say," said Pepsi Girl. "God, I need a smoke."
"Smoking's bad for you," said tli.
"Not as bad as the stuff YOU smoke," said Pepsi Girl, "IF you know what I mean."
"Whatever," said a sassy tli, holding his hand in Pepsi Girl's face.
"Can you guys just stop for two seconds?" said SpencerIsHawesome. "My butt really, really hurts."
"So does mine," said TaylorCondrin. "PSYCH!! My butt doesn't hurt at all! Really! It doesn't!"
They walked two miles away from the house, until a weak SpencerIsHawesome was hit in the head by a whiffle ball that said "Bieber" on it, which knocked him to the ground butt-first. The SBR's had returned to reclaim their prisoners.........
ManBearPig began taking acting lessons from the studio executive's best coach, Mike Jones. This would prove to be a challenge, however, as the semi-famous rapper's propensity for shouting his name and repeating everything he said twice would frustrate ManBearPig.
"Hi, I'm ManBearPig."
"And I'm Mike Jones! Who? Mike Jones!"
"You don't have to say 'who,' I've heard of you before, Mike Jones."
"Why do you keep saying that, Mike-"
"Yeah, your name is Mike Jones!"
"Who? Mike Jones, Jones? You ready to start actin'? Well then let's get started! You ready to start actin? Well then let's get started!"
"Did you just repeat yourself?"
"Yeah, that's just what I do! Yeah, that's just what I do!"
Mike Jones' stupidity was causing the Bear in ManBearPig to emerge........
mikenike and John Bryant entered the doomy-looking backyard.
"John Bryant?" asked John Bryant.
"Yes, John. This is a monstar burial ground. That means there are dead monstars underneath us right now. I don't know if the ghosts or something are... John, what are you doing? John, why are you digging? John, don't you dare open that casket. John, don't you bite into that monstar flesh! JOHN!!!" mikenike had to wrestle John away from the rotting monstar-corpse (no easy task) and lead him out of the vacinity of the mansion. "John, I know that you haven't had any boy-scouts in a while, but come on man! You have to listen to me! I only want what's best for you!"
"John Bryant! Bryant!" John said anxiously.
"What? What is it?" mikenike asked. mikenike turned around to see his next foe, the Black Knight.
"None shall pass." the Black Knight said calmly.
"Really? Another Monty Python reference?" asked mikenike. "Don't the writers have any new material? Should I have John Bryant make some galloping noises?"
"Don't insult the writers."
"I'll insult whoever I want! I'm mikenike, I have three badges!"
"Then you shall die."
mikenike thought the best way to defeat the Black Knight would be to rip off all of his limbs, just like he saw on TV. It was only at this time when he realized that the Black Knight was already a paraplegic. mikenike simply threw a Judo-Ball at him and caught him instantly. mikenike was still two trainers away from his reaching his destination. He knew that the road had been easy so far, he was prepared for the very worst at stage four. It was himself, the Black Knight, Stephen A. Smith, Mr. T and John Bryant...
"These Earth-cookies are delicious!" said a very satisfied llperez.
"They taste much better than the cardboard-chicken birds of McDonald!" added LumberJack Iggy.
"Mrs. Bieber, your cookies are devine, and you are more beautiful than a Rakolioshi ape from the galaxy of Precalionheezy..." OrangeJuiceJones said wide-eyed.
"Well, aren't you boys sweet!" replied an upbeat Mrs. Bieber.
OrangeJuiceJones leaned close to llperez. "She makes my insides feel funny. What does that mean?"
A clueless llperez came from a planet where love doesn't exist, but he answered the question as best as he could. "It probably means you have a squeelum infection. Have you been raping the elderly?"
"Well than I don't know. Maybe it's your bladder."
OrangeJuiceJones stood up. "Mrs. Bieber, can I use your bladder-release center?"
"Well of course you can. It's right around that corner there. It's the door that slides open."
"Thank you, ma'am!" OrangeJuiceJones said as he walked quickly to the restroom and shut the door behind him.
It was at this time that the SBR returned home. They had six sacks with five struggling prisoners, and one incognizant prisoner mumbling nonsense about a sore rectum.
"Mom, I'm home! We'll be downstairs so leave us alone!" Justin barked to his mother, as he and the other members of SBR dragged their sacks down to HQ.
"Is that your offspring?" LumberJack Iggy asked Mrs. Bieber.
"Yes that's my boy. Would you like to see picture of him from his old soccer..." Mrs. Bieber began to say before she was inturrupted from screaming noises coming from the bathroom.
"Oh dear! Is he ok?" Mrs. Bieber asked.
The sounds that OrangeJuiceJones was making were perfectly natural on his home planet, but llperez had to think of an answer quick. "Yes. He has a perfectly normal human disease. Called, uh, um, chlamydia."
"He has chlamydia? Oh Lord..."
"AHHHHH AHHHH! THE PAIN! TEH PAIN!!! Wha... heh, whew, oh no, OH NO, ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Just ignore it. Can we have some more cookies?" LumberJack Iggy asked.
"Well, I'd have to go to the store and buy some more ingredients..." Mrs. Bieber said to an unresponsive llperez and LumberJack Iggy. "...so, I guess I'd better go right now."
"It's for the best." LumberJack Iggy replied.
Mrs. Bieber grabbed her jacket and keys and left out of the front door.
"Now is our chance to take the prisoner tli!" llperez said emphatically.
"But what about our cookies?"
"Nevermind your cookies LumberJack Iggy! We need to get tli and OrangeJuiceJones and get out of here fast!"
"Come on man. OrangeJuiceJones is taking another alien-pee, he won't be done for a couple hours. Heh, and do you think that the Short Bus Ridaz are just going to hand tli over? No way. We might as well eat some cookies while we wait, and figure out our next move..."
Gani Lawal was just chillin' in a ditch, having a picnic by himself. He didn't see anything wrong with it, it was just his way of clearing his head. He was eating his favorite food, and thinking of a funny scene from his favorite movie, American Pie. His face cracked a smile, imagining that crazy white boy making love with an apple pie. Just as Gani was about to take another bite of his sandwitch, he looked up to see a police car headed straight toward him. He only managed a slight gasp before the car made contact with his head.
Three hours later, Quincey Hodges was in his Motel 6 room. Flipping through the channels and singing "Never Going to Give You Up", by Rick Astley. When he turned to a local news station, he saw a press conference addressing the recent accident -- of which Quincey was unaware of -- and saw an interview with Derrick Favors.
"Gani is gone, and me and the team are going to miss him. I have some big shoes to fill, but I'm going to do my best and play in his honor."
Quincey was outraged. Derrick Favors would be getting more minutes now. In typical cheesy-action movie form, he held his gun up and said, "Not if I can help it..."
The studio executive walked onto the set expecting to see his upcoming star learning from his best acting coach. "Hey, how's it go..." The studio executive paused, noticing that Mike Jones was missing. "Where's Mike?"
"I dunno." replied an obviously guilty-looking ManBearPig. "Mayb *hiccup*" ManBearPig quickly put his hands over his mouth.
"Are you hiccuping?"
"Did you eat Mike Jones?"
"...Then where is he?"
"I dunno. *hiccup*"
"Why are you hiccuping?"
"I'm not... *hiccup*"
"Oh well. Acting really isn't a priority in the Twilight movies. Just stay sexy and try not to kill anymore staff members."
ManBearPig was conflicted. He knew that starring in this movie was the key to getting all the girls he wanted. However, he was also worried about his only real friends, tli232 and TaylorCondrin...
mikenike, John Bryant, Mr. T, Black Knight and Stephen A. Smith made their way to Level Four. Shortly after their arrival, mikenike saw a sign that said:
"Warning: Martial Art-O-Mon Strangler Nearby. Please Put Spiked Collar On All Martial Art-O-Mon To Prevent Injury"
"I'm not gonna let anybody strangle John Bryant," said mikenike in an overly dramatic fashion.
"Bryant! JOHN BRYANT!" said a scared John Bryant, nodding his head to the left. mikenike looked to the left and saw his next opponent: Latrell Sprewell. He stood in a classic menacing form, his arms waving wildly in the air.
"So you're the Martial Art-O-Mon Strangler, huh?" said mikenike.
"Yep," said Latrell.
"I dare you to try and attack my Martial Art-O-Mon."
As Sprewell sprinted towards John Bryant, mikenike stuck his leg out and tripped him.
"I'm gonna choke the s--t outta you!" said Sprewell, his mouth full of dirt after falling face first. Sprewell got up again, but this time he charged at mikenike, who simply tripped him again.
"Stop tripping me," said Sprewell. "I got a family to feed!"
"What does me tripping you have to do with you feeding your family?" said mikenike.
"Suck my d--k!" said Sprewell, with tears forming in the back of his eyes. Sprewell continued to trip over mikenike's leg for 5 more minutes, until he finally gave up.
"You win," said Sprewell, who now had tears streaming down his face.
"About time," said mikenike. Just as mikenike turned around, Sprewell hopped on John Bryant's back in a last-ditch effort to salvage his pride. He began to choke John Bryant, until mikenike picked Sprewell up and carried him to Columnists' Cave.
"No! NO!" said Sprewell. "Anywhere but Columnists' Cave! PLEASE! I can't handle the criticism!" mikenike ignored his request and threw him in the cave anyway, politely humming to the seemingly rhythmic sound of columnists ripping Latrell Sprewell for his decision making. He walked back over to John Bryant, who was leaking fat out of his neck.
"John," said mikenike, "you're leaking fat!"
"Bryant?" said John Bryant sarcastically. mikenike tried to heal John Bryant by patching the hole up with dirt, but there was too much fat, so he ended up covering it up with his hand as they went along the path to Level Five. It was on Level Five that mikenike and crew would face the most formidable butt-raping duo to ever exist: PedoBear and Tossed Salad Man.........
llperez and Lumberjack Iggy sat in Mrs. Bieber's kitchen, when they heard sounds coming from the basement.
"Did you hear that?" said llperez. "Sounds like someone's getting tortured down there."
"Indeed," said Lumberjack Iggy, completely ignoring llperez's remark as he sank his teeth into the last oatmeal raisin cookie.
"Listen, you glutenous fool!" said llperez, pushing Iggy to the top of the steps.
"How about some music, guys?" said Justin Bieber.
"Yeah," said Gary Busey, still rubbing his nipples. "Ooooooooohhhhhh yeah, muuuuuuusic. Aaaaaahhhhhh."
Bieber reached for his iPod portable speaker and turned on his hit song, "One Time," which was used as a torture device on Lumberjack Iggy's planet when he was a P.O.W during the war of the Butt-Pluggers vs. the Politically Correct. Lumberjack Iggy tumbled down the steps after hearing the opening to the song.
"Who's that?" said Baron Davis, running over to offer Iggy a hand. "You O.K., man?" Lumberjack Iggy used Baron Davis' ignorance against him, tossing him across the room into an oblivious Gary Busey.
"Ow," said Gary Busey, still trying to rub his nipples with Baron Davis on top of him.
"We've come for tli232," said Lumberjack Iggy. "Give him to us, or get your bu-" before Lumberjack Iggy could finish, Chester Cheeto blasted him with the Cheeto Hose, which was a very smart move because Cheetos made Lumberjack Iggy nauseous. As Lumberjack Iggy fell ill, llperez calmly walked downstairs and began to fight them 5-on-1. As the SBR and llperez fought in an epic battle, tli232 managed to break out of his sack and find Justin Bieber's most prized possession and the key to his success: his one-of-a-kind voice synthesizer...........
Quincey Hodges hopped in his Gremlin and drove down to Georgia Tech's practice facility.
"This has gone on long enough," said Quincey, trying to fit his .357 Magnum in his jean pocket. It took him 10 minutes before he figured out that it wouldn't fit, so he left it in the car. He walked straight past the security guard before running into Derrick Favors' personal bodyguard: Jean Claude Van-Damme.
"Aaaaaahhhhhh!" said Quincey. "Van-Damme! I've seen all your movies!"
"That's nice," said Jean Claude, trying to act tough while chewing a fresh toothpick. "What do you want?"
"Well," said Quincey, trying not to sound suspicious, "I was hoping that I could see Derrick Favors practice."
"Can't let you do that," said Jean Claude.
"Because I said so."
"O.K.," said Quincey, preparing his most awesomeist catch phrase. "Looks like you're not gonna do me any Favors, so I'm gonna have to make you a bust."
Jean Claude had ran out of his secret ingredient to acting success, cocaine, the previous night, so he was in a bad mood. However, cocaine was also what he used to fight, so he wasn't able to defeat Quincey. After knocking out Jean Claude, Quincey walked into the practice facility, only to see Derrick Favors shooting around by himself.
"This is exactly how my dream looked," said Quincey, his eyes welling up. He walked up to Derrick Favors, who turned around and looked at him.
"Dad?" said Derrick. "Is that you?"
Quincey's heart skipped a beat, and his legs locked up..............
After a week of filming, ManBearPig left the set and went to look for his friends, tli232 and TaylorCondrin. He heard about a fight in which 6 people were carried off in sacks, one of whom appeared to be extremely homosexual.
"It can't be," said a smiling ManBearPig. "Not tli232." ManBearPig's smile soon turned into a frown as he put the pieces together and began to realize that tli232 was likely carried off during that fight. He heard that Justin Bieber was one of the people seen carrying a sack, so he tracked down Mrs. Bieber at the supermarket.
"Hello, Mrs. Bieber," said ManBearPig.
"Hi," said a blushing Mrs. Bieber. "Do I know you?"
"No," said ManBearPig. "My name is-" ManBearPig quickly searched the aisle to think of a name, only to see a gallon of milk and an anvil- "Milkton."
"Nice to meet you, Milkton. What can I do for you?
"Well, I was wondering if I could meet your son, Justin."
"O.K.. He's at home, I think. Do you want to go with me?"
"Sure!" said a suspicious ManBearPig, wondering how that was so easy and quick. "Um.... Can I ride with you? I don't have a car...."
Mrs. Bieber and ManBearPig went back to her house, where she made him a fresh batch of sugar cookies. ManBearPig quickly finished the cookies, anxious to search the house for tli232. However, as soon as he finished, Mrs. Bieber turned on some music and tried to seduce him. ManBearPig wasn't interested in Mrs. Bieber's sexual advance; he was more concerned about his friend. He went with the flow until he heard a familiar sassy laugh and finger snap coming from the basement.............................
mikenike, John Bryant and their crew entered level 5. They saw a big, red carpet leading up to two different thrones. They watched as a man and a small girl walked the carpet up to the thrones. The man began speaking.
"Please don't make me toss your salad! I'm allergic to jelly! I offer your partner this 13 year old girl I found..."
PedoBear and TossedSaladMan briefly looked at each other.
"Too old." responded PedoBear almost immediately.
The 13 year old girl ran out of the room as fast as she could, leaving the sweaty man there alone.
"Oh no! I can find younger! Please no!!!"
"Servent..." TossedSaladMan said, "Bring me my jelly. Marionberry."
"But, no! If I eat jelly, my throat shuts up faster than a girl in math class! PLEASE DON'T!!!" Two scantily-dressed guards then dragged the man away into a private room as he pleaded for mercy.
TossedSaladMan looked at mikenike and John Bryant."Two new guys, eh? Make it quick! I've got business to take care of, you know what I'm saying?"
"What's up John?" Pedobear said to John Bryant, who waved back.
"Hey guys. We need to defeat you. We need the fifth badge." mikenike said.
"We ain't in the fightin' game no mo'. Ya dig? We all business now! I'm in the tossing salad business, and my partner is in the pedophilia business."
"But, but, we have collected a team. I was told to come here. How do we get the badge?"
"Hehehe, you gonna have to play our reindeer games..." TossedSaladMan chuckled.
"What games?" mikenike asked.
"Me and PedoBear each have three challenges. You must beat both of us in two of the three challenges. You can only use one of your crew members per challenge. You will participate in my challenges first. Challenge number one is..."
"Wha.... Wha..." Quincey studdered.
"Dad? Dad? What are you doing here? You, did you come to see me?"
"Wha, what makes you think I'm your father? You stupid... uh bust."
"Mom showed me pictures. You, think I'm going to be a bust?"
Quincey pulled out his gun and pointed it at his son. His hands were shaking violently and tears were streaming down his face. He wanted to pull the trigger so bad, but he just couldn't shoot his own child. He tossed his gun to the other side of the court, and began walking toward the exit.
"Hey Dad, do you wanna hang out sometime?" Derrick asked his father.
"I don't want anything to do with you. You, have been such a disappointment."
"Oh, I understand. I just had two front-row tickets to the Devo concert. It was stupid of me to think you wanted to go."
Quincey turned back around. "You, you like Devo?"
"Crack that whip..." sang Derrick timidly.
Quincey sighed. "Give the past a slip..." He sang back with his lips quivering.
"Step on a crack."
"Break yo mama's back."
The father-son duo then began singing in harmony; "When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Before the cream sets out too long, you must whip it. When something's goin' wrong you must whip it."
Quincey than looked into his kid's eyes. "Maybe, maybe I've been a little hard on you."
"Hold that thought Dad. Sergio Rodriguez is playing soon and I want to watch him fail. That guy is nothing but a back-up at best."
Quincey smiled. "Let's watch together son. Let's watch together."
"Excuse me, I really need to see your son right now!" ManBearPig told Mrs. Bieber.
"But... Milkton..." a devestated Mrs. Bieber cried before she was interrupted by someone entering the room. It was OrangeJuiceJones. He was holding flowers picked out of the neighbors garden. He was also wearing a suit off of a man he dug up in the cemetery. The suit was far too small, and he failed to button the suit appropriately.
"Mrs. Bieber. I love you and want to marry you and have tiny human-worm babies with your succulent womb."
"Oh my!" Mrs. Bieber exclaimed.
"Wait a minute. This is my woman!" replied ManBearPig who quickly forgot about his friends downstairs.
"I think not! I will suffer you with my incredible -- eh -- human powers!"
"Why don't we ask the lady who she wants!" ManBearPig suggested.
"Um, I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings!" Mrs. Bieber told her admirers. Before again getting interrupted by a visitor. tli232 quickly entered the room and locked the door behind him.
"tli!" cried OrangeJuiceJones and ManBearPig simultaneously.
"Oh I don't think so! He is ours!" OrangeJuiceJones said to ManBearPig.
"He is my friend!" ManBearPig replied.
The door started banging. The voices of llperez and SBR were crying for tli.
"Maybe we should split up the booty." OrangeJuiceJones suggested.
"What are you talking about?"
"One of us takes the lovely-female and the other gets the precious prisoner tli."
"Well, who gets who?" The four people looked at each other, and tried to settle on an agreement.
Back in the basement; Ron Artest, Harvey Lemmings, Pepsi Girl, SpencerisHawesome and TaylorCondrin all conversed as their captors were upstairs bangin' on Mrs. Bieber's bedroom door.
"Do you guys think that homosexual is going to come back for us?" Pepsi Girl asked.
"Of course he is! I know tli! He would never ditch us!" Taylor explained.
"Well all I know is that I don't know if we can count on a fruity-mcfruit basket!" Ron responded.
"Ron, you so awesome!" his manager Harvey Lemmings said.
"My butt is sore!" SpencerisHawesome added.
LumberJack Iggy was just awakening after being knocked out. "Where am I?" the alien asked.
"Hey do you think you can toss those keys over here. They're right behind you." Pepsi Girl asked.
"Well sure little ducky. I wanted to do that earlier but the circus-clown took preventative actions. Maybe after I would sip a drink but only if you padded it good first." the confused alien said while tossing the keys to Pepsi Girl.
"Thanks a lot buddy!" Pepsi Girl said as she unlocked the chains on her wrists.
"Don't mention it." LumberJack Iggy slurred. "But I do ask that you *illegible blabber* rhino horns and then cover it in honey and powdered sugar."
Pepsi Girl proceeded to unlock her fellow prisinors. "OK guys let's go. We can hide out in my house. You can come too, mysterious stranger if you want."
"No, we need to wait for tli." TaylorCondrin said.
The group needed to make a decision and fast, but little did they know the mysterious stranger was actually their enemy. LumberJack Iggy either suffered an alien concussion which lasts for about a day, or permanent brain damage. Only time would tell the fate of LumberJackIggy...
marcusfizer21 was alone in his room. He was wearing nothing but tightie-whities and was working out in front of a mirror. He paused, looked in the mirror and blew himself a kiss. His computer was on and he was having a chat with a man who called himself talldreamy_doc.
"How are your breasts?" talldreamy_doc asked.
"I work them out every single day!"
"...I will kiss them."
marcusfizer21 set up a date to meet talldreamy_doc. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but marcusfizer21 was only 13 years old...
The first challenge would be a game of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The game would be a standard two-on-two, first-to-750 points wins.
"We gon' dust that ass!" said TossedSaladMan as he high-fived PedoBear. "Pick yo' partna!"
mikenike decided to use Stephen A. Smith as his partner, hoping that his idiotic commentary would distract their foes.
"The M-16 is for people who can't play," said Stephen A. Smith as TossedSaladMan chose his weapon. "HOWEVA, it does take some skill to aim."
"Oh, lawdy, lawdy, lawdy," said TossedSaladMan.
The two teams were going back and forth, exchanging kills and refusing to take cover. Up until the game was tied at 700 points, Stephen A. Smith's 73 utterances of the word "HOWEVA" had no effect on TossedSaladMan; the same couldn't be said for his partner.
"You aight, PedoBear?" said TossedSaladMan as he looked at his partner-in-sexual liaison and assault. PedoBear had a strange look on his face, resembling a cross between a girl who just learned that she was HIV negative, and someone who had to take a dump. Stephen A's repetitive commentary was getting on PedoBear's very last nerve.
"Stephen A.," said mikenike, noticing the look on PedoBear's face,"What do you think of Slava Medvedenko?"
"Slava Medvedenko is the worst ball player in the NBA!" said Stephen A. "HOWEVA, he i-"
Before he could finish his statement, PedoBear leaped on top of Stephen A. and plugged a body part into every hole on his body. TossedSaladMan pulled PedoBear off and said, "Whatchu doin', man? You just cost us the game!"
"I just......... couldn't...... take it," whispered PedoBear.
"Well, you know what that means, right?" said TossedSaladMan as he looked PedoBear square in the eye. They then went into a nearby closet, where the only sounds mikenike and Stephen A. Smith could hear for 15 minutes were the sounds of slurping, cow bells and Toy Story action figures. They admitted defeat after they came out, leaving it up to mikenike to pick the next challenge................
Quincey and Derrick were hunched inside of Quincey's Gremlin, laughing and singing along to "Blue Da Ba De Da Ba Da" by Eiffel 65.
"Yo, Listen up!" said Quincey.
"Here's a story!" said Derrick.
"About a little guy that-"
"Lives in a blue world!"
"And all day-"
"And all night-"
Just as the two of them were really getting into the song, Jean-Claude Van-Damme appeared in the middle of the road. He had Quincey's gun in his hand, and he was wearing a leather jacket, which was strange because it was 84 degrees outside.
"Hey!" said Quincey as he stopped the car. "That's mine! Give it back!"
"You want it?" said Jean-Claude, still trying to act tough as he twirled the gun by his index finger.
"Uuuhhhh, durr!" said a sarcastic Quincey.
"Well then go get it!" said Jean-Claude as he dropped it in the sewer.
"That's it," said Quincey as he got ready to fight. "Looks like I'm gonna have to make you a bust again. This time, there won't be any D-League for you. You're going straight into retirement."
"Bring it on," said a calm Jean-Claude. Quincey was so angry that he was completely oblivious to the fact that Jean-Claude's eyes were blood-shot red, which meant one of two things: either he didn't get much rest (which doesn't make sense because he was knocked out, remember?), or he found more cocaine. Unfortunately for Quincey, who was actually bereft of any fighting skills whatsoever, Jean-Claude found more cocaine since their first encounter, which enabled him to knock Quincey out in just a few seconds. It would be up to Derrick to defeat Jean-Claude if he wanted to make it to the Devo concert in time.........
ManBearPig and OrangeJuiceJones were staring each other down in the living room.
" How can a human stare this long without blinking?" thought OrangeJuiceJones. " I should just use my laser eyes and end this, but I don't want to scare off my love."
ManBearPig became suspicious of OrangeJuiceJones; he had skin peeling off of his stomach, and his shirt was ridiculously tight.
"You're one of those alien guys, aren't you?" asked ManBearPig.
"Aliens?" said tli232. "Seriously, honey, there's no such thing. You're out of your mind!"
"Indubitably," said a nervous OrangeJuiceJones, who was sweating an acidic green ooze that burnt through his shirt. Within seconds, OrangeJuiceJones was shirtless, but he didn't care; he was determined not to walk out of there without Mrs. Bieber. Just as he was about to spit some ooze into ManBearPig's eye, Ron Artest broke through the lock and busted down the door.
"TRU WARIER!" shouted Ron as he beat his chest.
"So this is what upstairs looks like," said Gary Busey, who was now flopping his arms like a chicken and mooing.
"My butt!" said SpencerIsHawesome. "MY BUTT!"
"How did he do that?" said TaylorCondrin.
"Who cares?" said Pepsi Girl. "Let me get outta here before I get stuck with you guys again."
"Who are you insolent peasants? llperez? What are you doing here?" said a shocked OrangeJuiceJones as he stared at them. Just as OrangeJuiceJones looked away, ManBearPig tucked Mrs. Bieber under one arm and tli232 under the other arm and dashed out of the back door.
"Guys? Guys?" said Lumberjack Iggy, who was still in the basement. "Don't forget to turn the bacon when you sprinkle. Trust in Jesus, he'll give you five dollars."
Lumberjack Iggy was still sick, but there was still 11 hours left before the 24-hour time period, so there was hope........
talldreamy_doc met marcusfizer21 a day later at his house.
"Come on in!" said marcusfizer21. "I just finished working out my breasts, so I'm gonna go take a shower. Why don't you have one of those fresh brownies on the dining room table?"
"No need for a shower," said talldreamy_doc. "I like 'em sweaty." He took a seat at the dining room table and bit into one of the "fresh" brownies, which was hard enough to be considered a lethal weapon. It was then that he became suspicious, seeing as how he was busted before on How to Catch A Predator. "This isn't gonna happen again," he said to himself. He immediately dashed upstairs to the bathroom and opened the door, only to see a strikingly handsome middle-aged man with a full head of brown hair standing in front of him with his hand out. It was at this moment that talldreamy_doc lost his bowels and began sobbing uncontrolabbly. Instead of shaking Chris Hansen's hand, he tackled him and sat on his face until Chris passed out from the smell. He then began searching the house for marcusfizer21......................
***TIMEOUT*** I do apologize. This is not the complete draft, but I've been sitting on this for over a week now so I'm going to post what I have. New job + new trimester = not much Popcorn Story time. I'll finish it when I get a chance but for now here ya go. ***TIME IN***
mikenike knew he had to pick a contest he couldn't lose, but as he looked at his sorry crew, he couldn't decide on a task that could defeat TossedSaladMan so easily. "What good will the Black Knight do me? He doesn't even have any arms..." mikenike thought. "Mr. T is washed up, and I already used Stephan A." "I, uh, challenge you to a dance contest." mikenike said. "With a neutral judge, of course."
Pedobear laughed. "This will be no contest. The judge can be my acquaintance, Roman Polanski."
mikenike looked around at his crew members. "Ok, let's see which one of you is the best dancer. Show me your best moves." The Black Knight responded with a neck jerk, from side to side. Stephan A. Smith's only dance move was an eye-vibration, and John Bryant was only running around in a circle saying his name. "Ok, maybe this wasn't such a brillient idea..." but then he saw Mr. T, who was doing the running man. "My partner will be Mr. T!"
"You will goes first!" the judge, Roman Polanski, said while pointing at Mr. T and mikenike. "Play it song, and go started. You has 60 seconds."
mikenike chose the song that was stuck in his head, it was the only song he could think of, 500 Miles by The Proclaimers.
The music started playing, and mikenike decided to use his karate skills to his advantage. He would punch, pause, punch, pause, kick, pause, pose, hold, and repeat, for the duration of the 60 seconds. Mr. T, however, was far more creative. He started by getting on his hands and knees. He proceeded to Beyonce booty-shake, and twirl his neck around passionatly. He then stood up and pelvic-thrusted directly into the vicinity of his two opponents. He finished by throwing himself on the floor and playing the air guitar. When the song ended he yelled out, "KNIGHT ELF MOHAWWWWWWWK, WHAT!?!?!"
"Such good!" Roman Polanski cried while clapping. "Such good, indeed!"
"Ok, that was alright, you know, but you see, it's our turn now." TossedSaladMan explained.
Pedobear's theme music began blasting on the speakers.
"I, I, I love little girls, they make me feel so good!"
Pedobear just swung his arms around and TossedSaladMan just bobbed his head.
When he finally began to understand the lyrics of the song, Roman Polanski waved his arms in the air like he just didn't care and shouted, "First prize! First prize!"
mikenike put his head down in agony. He knew he couldn't lose the next challenge, but he also knew that this time TossedSaladMan would choose what the next round would be.
"You're gonna pay for what you did to my Pa..." Derrick Favors told Jean-Claude Van-Damme.
"I'm gonna enjoy this. Revenge for years of having to listen to your crappy music. Being your bodyguard sucked."
"You can't beat me. I'm an elite athlete..." Quincey put up a finger to protest, but he couldn't manage to speak, seeing as he was only half-conscious.
Jean-Claude and Derrick charged toward each other. Jean-Claude, still coked up, grabbed Derrick by his cojonas, and threw him over his head. "BWAAAAAHHHHHH" cried Jean-Claude in a rage of fury.
Favors picked up a metal pipe lying in the street and struck Jean-Claude across the face. This had no effect on the martial artest, and he just laughed to illustrate that Favors couldn't hurt him. He laughed and laughed until he laughed so hard he vomited all over himself. He fell to the ground and clutched his stomach in pain. Favors used this oppurtuity to his advantage, and plucked Jean-Claude's right eye out with his bare hand.
"WHEN I FIND YOU I'LL KILL YOU!!!"
"Unlikely..." replied Derrick. You picked Jean-Claude up and dragged him to the sewer. "Have a nice trip..." Derrick said as he threw Jean-Claude into the sewer. He listened for the splash and stared down into the sewer. "See you next fall..."
"Son..." Quincey mumbled.
"Dad! Dad, are you ok?"
"It's my leg, son. I can't walk... You're going to have to go to the Devo concert without me..."
"NEVER!!!" Favors shouted as he dragged Quincey to the passenger seat of the Gremlin.
Derrick drove his father to the Devo concert, but when they got there, they saw someone they never expected... Sergio Rodriguez...
talldreamy_doc exited the bathroom to look for marcusfizer21. He opened a door in the hallway hoping to find his little friend inside. "What?!? But I knocked you out!" talldreamy_doc exclaimed.
"Why don't you have a seat, right over there?" Chris Hansen asked.
"NEVAAA!" shouted talldreamy_doc as he slammed the door shut. "Ok, screw this..." he said to himself. "I'm out of here. Now, which door do I take to leave?" He opened a door at random only to see Chris Hansen again standing in front of him.
"You're going to want to talk to me..."
talldreamy_doc, once again slammed the door shut and ran to the other side of the hallway. He ran inside and slammed the door behind him.
"You're in a bit of a hurry aren't you? Why don't you sit down?"
"How do you do that?" talldreamy_doc asked.
"We'll get to that in a minute. You wanna tell me what you're doing here?"
"I was just coming over to, uh, hang out with Marcus."
"You wanna tell me how old 'Marcus' is?"
"He said he was 18!"
"There's only one problem with that, I have the chat logs, so you might wanna start telling the truth."
"Well my comuter was acting up, so I didn't really pay attention to that."
"Well right here you say, 'I love 13 year olds. They are so sexy, that's why I want to have lots of sex with you.'"
"I was just messing around. It was like a joke. I didn't come here for nothing like that. Honest."
"Then why'd you drive to this house?"
"We, we were just, going to talk."
"Talk? Talk about what?"
"Baseball... I don't know..."
"Well, your chat log suggests otherwise. 'I want you sexy-naked', you say."
"That was taken out of context."
"Here you say, 'I'ma gonna lick you.'"
"I say that to everyone..."
"Then you ask, 'Would you blank a dog with a blank and a friend's blank?'"
"Ok, ok! You can stop right there!"
"The worst part is that we caught you before. You tried to hook up with a 12 year old girl, and we stopped you."
"Now you are going after young boys?"
"Can I just go?"
"That's your choice, but I'm going to remind you that I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC, and we're doing a story on men that try to solicit sex from teens online."
talldreamy_doc left the house, expecting to be arrested again. Luckily for him, the police outside were distracted due to a bumble-bee, and talldreamy_doc was able to escape. He hopped in his white unmarked van and sped away. A few minutes later, he saw marcusfizer21, who was on his lunch break, walking down the street. talldreamy_doc decided to get some revenge...
TossedSaladMan sat in his throne as he though carefully about his choice for the last challenge. After 5 minutes and 59 seconds, he got up and announced: "Da last challenge is gonna be a eatin' contest!"
"Are you crazy?" said PedoBear as he pulled his partner aside and pointed at John Bryant. "Do you not see that........... THING running around?"
"I see him, baby," whispered TossedSaladMan. "I got somethin' for him...."
"What are we gonna eat?" said mikenike. "I'm not eating any jelly or syrup packets."
"We ain't gonna eat no jelly!" replied TossedSaladMan. "Besides, we ain't got no more of those left. We gonna have cupcakes."
"BRYANT?" said John Bryant as he stopped abruptly. John Bryant loved cupcakes almost as much as he loved Boy Scouts. However, TossedSaladMan was well aware of this, so he melted some chocolate laxatives and put them on top of a few of the cupcakes as icing.
"Bring them out!" said PedoBear. A few seconds later, a ginger kid brought out a stack of cupcakes that was 10 feet tall.
"The 'special' ones are on the bottom, master," said the ginger kid.
"Who said you could speak?" replied TossedSaladMan. "Go to the store and get me some more jelly!" When you get back, wait in the closet!"
TossedSaladMan meticulously divided the bottom and top cupcakes and put them on different plates. He made sure to put the bottom cupcakes on John Bryant's plate.
"I'm really gonna need you on this one," said mikenike as he looked deep into John Bryant's eyes, which resembled a cross between a starless night and someone completely entrenched in the middle of a daydream.
"Ginger number two!" yelled PedoBear. "Start it off!"
Ginger number two attempted to pull the trigger on the starter pistol, but his weak, ginger body didn't have the strength to complete such a task.
"Gimme that damn thing!" said TossedSaladMan as he snatched the pistol away. "Go join your friend in the closet!"
"Gingers have no souls!"
"Yeah, but you got a tongue, and you gonna use that, believe me!"
TossedSaladMan pulled the trigger and began munching away. He turned to John Bryant with a small smirk, which soon turned his mouth agape as he watched him swallow each cupcake whole.
"Only a matter of time before he starts boo-booin' on hisself," thought TossedSaladMan. His premonition proved to be true. Five cupcakes later, a strange look broke across John Bryant's face. The special guest for the event, Randy Jackson, walked towards him to see if he was all right.
"Can you continue, dawg?"
"Br........ Bryant," replied a weak John Bryant as he shook his head no. He then sprinted away from the competitors' table, heading towards the nearest bathroom.
"I guess that means we win!" said TossedSaladMan as he raised his partner's hand in victory. "Syrup or jelly, sucka?"
mikenike began to cry. Just the mere thought of having to not only "toss the salad" of a grown man and a bear, but not gaining the fifth badge, discouraged him greatly. Just as he was getting ready to head to the same closet as the ginger kids, his old buddy John Kreese appeared in the sky.
"John Kreese says check the garbage can!" said John Kreese in third person.
"I ain't checkin' no garbage!" scoffed Randy. "I'm a celebrity!"
"How about no?"
"Wow, John Kreese can't believe that he just asked someone for something."
Randy then checked the garbage, where he found 38 empty boxes of Ex-Lax......
Derrick piggybacked Quincey to the front of the crowd. Just as he was about to get comfortable, he saw Sergio Rodriguez to his left.
"Sergio Rodriguez?" said Derrick. "You can't be serious. Wow."
"Please, no autographs right now, O.K?" said Sergio. "Wait until after the show."
"Autograph?" Derrick replied angrily. "AUTOGRAPH? You think I want your autograph? Don't you know who I am?"
"The Juggernaut, b--ch?" said Sergio with a light chuckle.
Just as Derrick was getting ready to rip into Sergio, Devo came on stage. He became completely distracted by their performance, but the same couldn't be said for Quincey. He heckled Sergio throughtout the entire first song, making him furious. Devo stopped right in the middle of their second song and shouted, "TABLES, LADDERS AND CHAIRS!" A confused Derrick turned around to see Quincey limping across a suddenly erected wrestling ring with a chair above his head; a woozy Sergio was on the ground.
"Don't worry, son!" shouted Quincey as he looked at Derrick. "I got this bench warmer!"
Quincey then turned around and received a dropkick to his bad leg, which caused him to collapse.
Derrick had a decision to make: either step in and save his dad, potentially causing irreversible damage to Quincey's pride, or he could hope that Quincey could pull off a comeback..........
talldreamy_doc exited his van and snuck up on marcusfizer21.
"How could you?" said a teary-eyed talldreamy_doc as he stuck his hand under his shirt and extended his index finger to resemble a gun.
"What is that smell?" replied a delirious marcusfizer21, who was sitting down and sipping a lemonade coolatta through a flower straw. He looked up to see talldreamy_doc, which caused his knees to lock up. His drink dropped to the ground in slow-motion.
"We can do this the easy way, the hard way, or the kinda hard way," said talldreamy_doc. "You know what? Never mind, you don't have a choice. Get in the van. Don't cause any suspicions, either. You have no idea how mad I am right now."
After marcusfizer got in the kidnappee's section of the van, talldreamy_doc got in the driver's seat and sped off. He sped through three red lights, completely ignoring the posted speed limit. At a fourth red light, a white Ford Taurus struck the right side of his car. talldreamy_doc was so mad, he actually tried to ignore the accident and continue driving, but his car wouldn't start. A very large, smelly woman wearing a blue shirt and brown sweatpants stepped out of her car and immediately approached talldreamy_doc's window...................
"Curses we lost them again!" llperez shouted as he threw his cookies on the ground in a rage of fury.
"Yes... curses..." replied LumberJack Iggy who was eying the half-cookie that was now lying on the ground.
"You, this was all your fault!" llperez said as he pointed to OrangeJuiceJones.
"My lady-love is gone. I have to get her back into my glorious arms. Whenever she is not around, I get a bad feeling in my gas-bladder..." OrangeJuiceJones said.
"I'm beginnin..." llperez started to say before he turned around to see LumberJack Iggy now licking the ground where the cookie was dropped.
"Waste not, want not." LumberJack Iggy explained.
"I'm beginning to think that you guys aren't focused on the real prize, which is tli..." llperez said through his tightly-clinched alien teeth.
"Is tli the muggle that could bake us more cookies, why not! If only I had my wallet then this program me thinks of buying a new shell for my egg I think the original is rotten." LumberJack Iggy stuttered.
"You're an idiot." llperez muttered.
"Well, either way. That ManBearPig has both, so if we kidnap one, we can just get the other."
"Where are they going?" llperez asked. "LumberJack Iggy, did they say anything to you?"
"They told me about Grease Lightning. It's burning up the quarter mile." LumberJack Iggy responded.
"Well, all those prisoners escaped. They are probably going to one of their houses." llperez explained. "Let's just pick one at random, and start our search..."
ManBearPig ran the entire 7.6 miles to Pepsi Girl's house, carrying tli and Mrs. Bieber the entire way. Everybody else trailed not too far behind, except Ron Artest. "Hey slow down, or else you guys might lose me!" But Ron's remark only caused his "friends" to run faster. "Please! I think I need to lie down! Is there a scorer's table somewhere around here?" Eventually -- amidst the panting and complaining -- everybody made it to Pepsi Girl's house.
"Oh man. You guys didn't hear me, but I was asking you to slow down. I'm not some kind of professional running guy." Ron said when he arrived to the house.
"Oh, Ron. You made it. Lovely." Pepsi Girl said sarcastically.
"Ron, you so awesome!" His manager Harvey Lemmings added.
Ron's eyes started tearing up. "You guys are my best friends!" He said as he went in for a hug, only to get pushed away by Pepsi Girl.
"Oh, Milkton! My hero!" Mrs. Bieber said to ManBearPig.
"Milkton?" A confused TaylorCondrin quietly asked tli232, who shrugged.
"All that running made my rumpus even more sore." SpencerisHawesome said.
TaylorCondrin leaned over to tli232 and whispered, "He really doesn't add anything to the plot, does he?"
"I heard that!" SpencerisHawesome shouted as tli232 and TaylorCondrin giggled amongst themselves.
"Maybe we should get out of the open," Pepsi Girl mentioned. "You know, before the freaks find us."
"Yeah, or those dirty, nasty aliens." tli added.
"Aliens?" Pepsi Girl asked.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention. I've been pursued by an army of monster-rapist aliens. They've already gotten to TaylorCondrin and Ron Artest."
"Hey!" TaylorCondrin exclaimed. "Yo, keep that on the DL..."
"Wrong again, fruit-filling! Me and OrangeJuiceJones' encounter was totally consensual!" Ron said to the stunned-looking group. "He was dressed up as a white girl... I had no way of knowing..."
"Well as long as they're gay..." Pepsi Girl said. "Whatever, let's get inside! We can hang out in the bomb shelter I keep in my backyard. They're is enough supplies to keep five people alive for six weeks."
"But, there are eight of us..." Mrs. Bieber said.
"Whoa, some of you guys really flew under the radar... Well, I'm in the bomb shelter, because I own it. Four of you can join me. The other three will have to find a way to kill the leader of SBR, Eli Porter. You can stay in my house for a while, but they are going to find you eventually. It was the house that Home Alone was filmed in, so you could set some traps up if you want to. Now, to decide who stays safe in the bomb shelter..."
SpencerisHawesome, Ron Artest, tli232, TaylorCondrin, Mrs. Bieber, ManBearPig and Harvey Lemmings all looked at each other.
Randy Jackson found 38 empty boxes of ex-lax in the garbage. However, he was too dim-witted to put two and two together and he began to announce, "I have no choice to declare the winner, Ped-". Randy was interrupted by a 2 by 4 being smashed into his head. As Randy hit the ground unconscious, TossedSaladMan threw aside his piece of wood.
"Alright -- you see what I'm sayin' -- I cheated. But it don't matter, ya feel me? If you want this badge, you still gotta earn it, dig?" TossedSaladMan said.
mikenike thought to himself for a minute, and then his face lit up with excitement. "I've got it!" he said with a snap of his finger. "I'll be right back!"
mikenike flew out the door, as John Bryant exited the bathroom with the sound of a toilet flushing behind him. "Bryant?" John asked as he watched mikenike fly away.
"He's coming back for ya..." TossedSaladMan said to John. "Hey John, you ever seen the inside of my clos-"
mikenike reentered the room holding a bed in his left hand and a crate in his right. "I brought you a present, TossedSaladMan!" mikenike said as he set the bed down.
The small boy inside the bed was just waking up. "Whaa...? What's happening?" The boy asked as he rubbed his eyes.
"This... This is a gift? A gift for me?" TossedSaladMan asked.
"Yeah! I brought you the most pink-cheeked, robust boy I could find. His name is Therevenger. And just look at that mouth."
TossedSaladMan looked into the eyes of Therevenger. "Beautiful! You, my friend, are never going to see the outside of my closet again! I hope you like jelly. Ya feel me? Jelly"
"Speaking of which..." mikenike said as he opened the crate.”I bought you 50 pounds of the purest, most sticky jelly you are ever going to find. I got it from France!"
"Who are you people? Oh my gosh! Look out, there's a bear!" Therevenger said, still wearing his Spiderman pajamas.
Completely ignoring the boy, TossedSaladMan continued talking to mikenike. "You're alright kid. Here's the fifth badge, you know what I'm sayin'. Take it and enjoy."
"Thank you. You enjoy as well." mikenike responded as he accepted the badge from TossedSaladMan.
"Oh, you better believe I will. Gingers! Clear out the closet, and chain this boy up!" TossedSaladMan ordered his ginger-slaves.
mikenike and John Bryant exited the palace in good spirits.
"Now we got all five badges! It's time to go to the top of the mountain!"
"John Bryant!?!" John asked.
"No, John." mikenike said while chuckling. "We're never going to see TossedSaladMan or PedoBear again.
"Yeah John, I don't think anyone is ever going to see Therevenger again!"
mikenike and John Bryant broke into a hysteric laughter as they climbed up the mountain to finish their long journey.
"Dad, I'm coming to help you!" Derrick Favors shouted to Quincey.
"No, son. I want you to stay in your chair!" Quincey responded as he started turning around to face his opponent. "Alright benchy, show me wha--" Sergio slammed a chair into Quincey's face. He fell to the ground apparently unconscious.
Sergio walked to the side of the ring and looked at Derrick. "See, that? Your father ain't nothing but a punk."
But Quincey was only playing possum. He leaped up and tackled Sergio. They both fell out of the ring. Quincey picked up a sweaty towel, and began trying to snap Sergio with it. Sergio ran out of arena, Quincey in hot pursuit. They ran for 4 blocks, every snap getting closer to Sergio's arse. Sergio tipped over a garbage can to gain an advantage on his aggressor. Quincey tripped over the garbage can, but picked himself up quickly, balled up the towel and threw it at Sergio. Sergio evaded the towel by making a sharp turn right, and entering a pawn shop. Quincey followed him, and picked up a baseball bat that was for sale. He smacked Sergio in his kneecap with the bat, causing the Spaniard to fall to the ground in agony. Quincey held the bat high in the air, ready to kill his rival. "I'm going to bring the Spain..." Before he could finish the job that his cheesy-action movie line started, he heard the pump-action of a shotgun.
Both Quincey and Sergio looked over to the owner of the pawn shop, pointing a shotgun in their direction. "Drop the bat." He directed to Quincey, who proceeded to drop the bat right on Sergio's head.
"Ow, he did that on purpose!" Sergio whined.
"Shut up Mexican." The owner replied.
"I said shut up!"
The pawn shop owner walked over to Quincey and struck him with the butt of the shotgun. Then did the same to Sergio, knocking them both out cold.
Sergio and Quincey woke up being hosed down with gasoline. They were tied up and gagged. There was the pawn shop owner and a police officer looking at them and playing eenie-meenie-miney-moe. They landed on Sergio, who was pulled into the back room. The pawn shop owner unlocked a box and let out a big gimp. "You watch him." The owner directed to the gimp, as he entered the back room with the police officer and Sergio.
Quincey and the gimp stared at each other, overhearing the brutal sounds of a man-rape coming from the back room. Quincey used all his strength to try to break out of the bonds that tied his hands together. He felt them becoming a bit looser. Then he burst threw the ropes. The gimp tried to alert the owner, but Quincey punched him, causing him to fall and hit his head on a toolbox in the corner. He fell to the floor. "What's the matter, gimp? You feeling a little limp?" Quincey said. Quincey was on his way out of the pawn shop, but then he began to empathize with Sergio Rodriguez. He could still hear the sounds of cowboy noises and spanking. He contemplated whether he should save Sergio or not...
"Oh, look what you did! My van!" talldreamy_doc said.
"GIVE THE CARD NOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!" The lady shouted obnoxiously.
And the scene faded out...
YOU CAN NEVER SMOKE TOO MUCH
Keep em coming
After a very confusing game that involved dice darts, and chocolate frosting, llperez "won" and decided to go to ManBearPig's house first. Lumberjack Iggy was left behind because he was considered too much of a liability.
"I'm going to catch that Man.....Bear......Pig.....thing," said OrangeJuiceJones. "When I do, I'm going to make him wish he never interrupted my moments of love and cookies."
"Indeed, my alien friend," said llperez. "You shall have your revenge."
10 minutes later, they arrived at ManBearPig's studio apartment. They turned their alien senses on and realized that ManBearPig hadn't been in the apartment recently. Then then headed to Ron Artest's house. His "music," if that's the appropriate term, could be heard 3 houses away.
"Do you hear that?" said llperez.
"Yes," replied OrangeJuiceJones. "It sounds.... Incredible."
As they entered Ron Artest's house, which had more kitchens than bathrooms and bedrooms combined, they couldn't stop gyrating to the music. They danced for about an hour, then realized that they were wasting time. They searched the house, found no one, and left. As a souvenir, they took a copy of Ron Artest's CD from Harvey Lemmings' room.
They went to the last known address of Pepsi Girl, but the house was unoccupied. After searching the houses of TaylorCondrin and SpencerisHawesome, they didn't find what they were looking for, nor did they find any clues. While they were at SpencerIsHawesome's house, they took a break by watching TV and eating apple sauce with oil. A few minutes later, a commercial for Antoine Dodson's Detective Agency came on:
"Are you lookin' for somebody?" said Antoine.
"Yes," replied llperez and OrangeJuiceJones in unison while they gazed at the screen in amazement.
"Did they -- or are they trying to -- snatch yo people up?"
"Are they really dumb?"
"YES!" yelled OrangeJuiceJones as if Antoine was supposed to be able to hear them.
"Then you need to call the Antoine Dodson Detective Agency? Call toll-free 1-800-ANTOINE! Phone lines are open 24-7! That's 1-8-Zero-Zero-A-N-T-I-O-N-E! We gon' find them, and you can run and tell that!"
OrangeJuiceJones and llperez got up at the same time and headed towards the home phone. They argued over it for almost a minute until they came to their senses and realized that they were trying to dial the same number. llperez dialed 1-800-ANTOINE.........
SpencerisHawesome, Ron Artest, tli232, TaylorCondrin, Mrs. Bieber, ManBearPig, and Harvey Lemmings were all outside of Pepsi Girl's bomb shelter. They had been out there for the past hour, going through idea after idea, trying to find out who would have the privilege of staying in the bomb shelter.
"Ron? Sweetie?" said Pepsi Girl as she peeked her head through the bomb shelter's door.
"Yo," replied Ron.
"Don't bother. I'm not letting you in."
"Why" said a dumbfounded Ron. Pepsi Girl didn't answer his question. Instead, she stared at him blankly for 15 more seconds.
Pepsi Girl then closed the door and brought up her cell phone's address book. She called the house's main line, and Mrs. Bieber picked up.
"Mrs. Bieber," said Pepsi Girl, "I'm gonna let you and your boyfriend in."
"Thank you, dear," replied Mrs. Bieber. She then headed outside, took ManBearPig by the hand, and went in the bomb shelter. Pepsi Girl immediately closed the door after they entered.
"What about all the other guys?" said Mrs. Bieber.
"Screw them," said Pepsi Girl as she lit up a cigarette. "They're all liabilities, especially Ron. I bet he doesn't even know the meaning of ration. If I let his big ass in here, we'd go through six weeks' worth of food in a week."
"That's so wrong," said a concerned ManBearPig.
"Oh, grow a pair," replied Pepsi Girl in a cold-hearted tone. "Also, don't even think about getting the key and letting them all in here. 1) We wouldn't survive and 2) The key is in my wall safe."
Ron, who was now crying by a trashcan and eating a moldy Pop-Tart, was stuck outside with the rest of the ex-prisoners. They felt betrayed by Pepsi Girl, but they knew that they had to move on and survive.
mikenike and John Bryant finally reached the top of Moron Mountain.
"I wonder how therevenger's doing," said mikenike as he rode on John Bryant's back.
"Bryyyyyannnnt," replied John Bryant as he made a puke face to make fun of therevenger's new job. Soon after, they approached what appeared to be a universal remote.
"No way," said mikenike as he held the remote in his hand. "I didn't go through all that nonsense just for a remote. I'm gonna press some buttons and see if it does something." mikenike proceeded to press a series of random buttons, but nothing happened. In a fit of rage, he slammed the remote on the ground, which started melting a few seconds later. After it completely evaporated, mikenike and John Bryant felt a violent shaking beneath their feet. A large hole opened up a few feet to John Bryant's right. He immediately ran over to the hole, where he saw his arch-rival: Brian Zoubek.......
Quincey decided to save Sergio. He burst through the door to the back room, which startled the owner. The police officer swing his nightstick at Quincey, but he ducked the attack, picked the police officer up, and power-bombed him, which knocked him out instantly.
"Wow," thought Quincey. "That 'Backyard Wrestling for Dummies' book is really p--"
Before he could finish, the owner struck Quincey in the head with a metal chair, causing him to fall down. While he was on the ground, Quincey managed to kick the owner in the leg, which caused him to drop the chair. He then got up and tackled the owner, but the police officer had already gained his senses, and pulled him off. They re-tied and gagged Quincey, and put him in a corner next to Sergio, who was barely conscious and had tears running down his face.
"Yeah!" said the police officer. "We're gonna have some fun now."
"I knew I never should have came back to save this turnover machine," said a muffled Quincey.
The police officer and the owner licked their lips and laughed as they headed over to the corner. Before they could handle their business, Derrick walked in with a Super Soaker CPS 3200 and a belt of water balloons.
"I want the card now!" said the large, smelly woman.
"My insurance card?" said talldreamy_doc.
"No! Not that card! The calling card!"
"Calling card?" replied a baffled talldreamy_doc.
"Yes! Every year, you crash into me so that you can pee on me, Jeffrey Jeffries! I'm sick of it!"
"I didn't........ what?"
"Who gave you permission to drive, Mr. Jeffries?
As the large, smelly woman and talldreamy_doc were arguing, a man named Jules came over and joined the argument.
"What does Marcellus Wallace look like?" said Jules.
"Who..... What?" said talldreamy_doc.
"'What' ain't no country I ever heard of!" yelled Jules. "Do they speak English in 'what?'"
"What the hell is happening to my life?" muttered talldreamy_doc under his breath.
"I want the ca--"
"Stop talkin', lady," said Jules as he smacked the large, smelly woman with his gun, knocking her out cold. "Just stop."
"Look, man," said talldreamy_doc, "how much is it gonna take to get you to leave me alone?"
"Oh, so you think that you can just buy Marcellus Wallace off?" said Jules. "You think he's just some type of high-priced escort? Somebody that you can buy some fake-ass fur coats, f--k for two minutes, and never call again?"
"No," retorted talldreamy_doc.
"Describe what he looks like!" yelled Jules.
"I don't know what he looks like!" replied talldreamy_doc.
"Say what again! SAY WHAT AGAIN!"
While they were arguing, marcusfizer was trying to break through the back door's window and escape. The problems were mounting for talldreamy_doc....
Oh you, orange juice jones, you so random.
LOL, Uh oh, I have a feeling someone with a samuri sword is going to join in the mix!
"Oh man! Am I glad to see you guys!" a very dirty Brian Zoubek said, "You've got to get me out of here!"
"Bryant! John Bryant!" John exclaimed while shaking his head no.
"John, please! I'm going to die down here!" Brian pleaded.
"How did you get down there?" mikenike asked.
"An evil giant leprechaun is planning to destroy the universe. I caught onto him, but on my way to tell the Prince of Purity, I was caught and banished into this hole!"
mikenike scratched his chin. "This giant leprechaun, was his name Aran_Smith?"
"Yes! Yes it was!"
"Did he have a very large friend with him?"
"Yes! They call him the Tickle Troll!"
mikenike clinched his fist. "They killed my friend. Larry Pratt."
"Do you mean Larry Platt? The pants on the ground guy?"
"Yeah. I guess we've been spelling his name wrong, but it doesn't matter anymore! I'm going to avenge my friend, and save the universe!"
"You can't do it alone." Brian explained. "Aran has an army of users that he has injected with Super Villain goo. The only way to stop Aran is by getting to the Prince of Purity. He will lend you some holy warriors."
"Ok, I'll let you out!" mikenike decided.
"Bryyyyyannnnt." John Bryant pouted.
"John, I know he is your social rival, but there are bigger things at stake." mikenike explained as he jumped into the hole and flew back up with Brian Zoubek. "Now, this Prince of Purity, what's his name?" mikenike asked.
Brian dusted off his shirt and then looked mikenike in the eyes. "Jonathan Givony..."
Pepsi Girl continued smoking her cigarette as the group sat down in an awkward silence. The silence continued until ManBearPig felt compelled to break it. "You know, if TaylorCondrin and tli232 were here we would never get bored. Gays know how to have fun."
"Yeah..." Pepsi Girl responded. "But if the aliens are after them then none of us would be safe. They would find a way to break in here and probably kill us all."
ManBearPig sighed. "I guess you are right. This is the only way to stay safe."
Pepsi Girl nodded as she blew smoke from her puckered mouth. "Don't worry. I'm sure they'll be-" A very loud alarm suddenly went off. Pepsi Girl looked up to see the smoke detector flashing a red light. "Oh, crap."
"WHY DO YOU HAVE A SMOKE DETECTOR IN A ONE-ROOM BOMB SHELTER?" ManBearPig shouted over the sound of the sirens.
"CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THAT OFF?" Mrs. Bieber asked while holding her ears.
"IT SHUTS OFF WHEN THE SMOKE GOES AWAY AND THERE AREN'T ANY WINDOWS!" Pepsi Girl replied.
"I'LL FIX IT!" ManBearPig exclaimed. He grabbed a chair and stood up on it to reach the ceiling of the bomb shelter. He looked at the smoke detector for a second. "MAYBE I'LL TRY THIS." He announced as positioned his fist under the smoke detector. "FALCON PUNCH!" He then punched the detector as hard as he could, smashing it to pieces and disabling the alarm.
"Ahhh... Silence" ManBearPig said as he rubbed the sides of his head. Then he heard a strange creaking coming from the sides of the shelter. "OH CRAP!" He yelled.
Outside Ron Artest and TaylorCondrin were rummaging through the garbage. "I don't think it's in here." TaylorCondrin said.
"It has to be!" Ron snapped back. "If there's one pop tart, then there has to be a second!"
"Maybe they ate one, before they threw the other away." TaylorCondrin explained.
"Just keep looking!" Ron Artest replied.
"But I--" TaylorCondrin was interrupted by the distinct sound of a bomb shelter collapsing, which immediately summoned the attention of every member of the group that was standing out side of it. Ron, Harvey, tli232 and TaylorCondrin all rushed over to help their friends, pulling the rubble out of the pile piece by piece.
"I found someone!" tli exclaimed as he held up a well-groomed hand. The group quickly took the pieces of shelter off the person revealing it to be ManBearPig. "Oh no! Is he alive?" tli asked.
"Stand back!" Harvey Lemmings announced. "I studied nursing, at the Performance Center of Emphatic Sports Agent-Morphing Law School!" Harvey leaned down to the half-man, half-bear, half-pig and held his wrist. "This thing is dead."
A tear fell down tli's cheek. "We have to check the others!" He shouted as he resumed digging through the debris.
Soon, three dead bodies were lined up outside the garbage where Ron was digging for a pop-tart. Pepsi Girl, ManBearPig and Mrs. Bieber. tli was crying as TaylorCondrin tried to comfort him. Harvey Lemmings took his hat off and began saying a silent prayer. All SpencerisHawesome did was mumble about his sore anus. Ron Artest fell near the body of Pepsi Girl and began crying hysterically. "Why?! WHY?! We were gonna get married! She just loved me so much!"
Suddenly, the five ended their mourning as a loud shrieking sound came from down the street. It was an odd-looking figure, who was wearing extremely dusty business attire that was several sizes too small. The being began running frantically for the corpses on the ground.
"It's one of the rapists!" Taylor screamed with a horrified look on his face. "OrangeJuiceJones! Quick, let's go, tli!" He said as he began running away with his buddy.
"We've got to get out of here, baby!" Harvey shouted. As he started following tli and TaylorCondrin. "Let's go Ron!" he shouted back.
Ron wiped away his tears and picked Pepsi Girl's dead body up. "Okay. If you want to come with me, I'll take you." He said talking to the corpse as if it could hear him. "I'll never let you go again!" Ron began running behind his friends with the dead girl on his back.
OrangeJuiceJones leaped in front of Mrs. Bieber and began crying acidic alien tears. "Why?! WHY?!" He screamed. "My lady love! My ONLY TRUE LOVE! NOOO! NOOOO!!!" His face turned red with anger as he stood up and turned around to see SpencerisHawesome hobbling away slowly. OrangeJuiceJones pointed at him with his misshapen finger. "YOU did this!"
"Who, me? No, I didn't! I swear!" Spencer replied.
"Oh, I swear too..." OJJ said sinisterly as he approached Spencer. "I swear that my friends and I are going to DEMOLISH YOUR ANUS!"
"NOOOO!!" Spencer cried as OJJ dragged him away.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
As SpencerisHawesome lay in the gutter -- suffering from near-death, alien anal-sex shock -- a very small human approached him. "Hey! You used to be one of our prisoners!" A high-pitched voice said. Spencer turned to the human, and recognized him as Justin Bieber.
"The aliens..." Spencer said weakly. "The three aliens..."
"What?" Justin asked. "You know where the aliens are? Better tell me or else!"
"They had a detective... They followed tli..."
"Which way did they go?"
Spencer lifted up his finger, and pointed in the direction that everyone was running in.
"Haha, good. You did good." Justin explained. "But you're worthless now. I think I'll finish you off right here, poophead."
"Huh?" Spencer asked.
Justin pulled out his tinker-toy sword and jammed it up the anus of SpencerisHawesome, killing him almost instantly. Bieber then took out his cell-phone and called his boss to tell him the news...
"Are you rapists thirsty for some justice?" Derrick asked smugly with a chuckle. "D-Did my dad hear that?" He then asked the room.
Quincey was overwhelmed with pride, but the gag prevented him from expressing that to his son.
"Get him!" The officer shouted, as he and the shop owner charged at the 6'10" forward out of Georgia Tech.
Derrick barrel-rolled out of the way and threw a water-balloon right at the police officer's face. He then sprayed the crotch of the pants-less owner’s undergarments, causing the pervert to stumble backwards and fall on the floor. Derrick put the gun over his shoulder and said "I guess you weren't wearing a cup today."
As the officer spit the liquid out of his mouth, he came to a realization. "This isn't water."
"You're right." Derrick explained. "It's a concentrated pheromone substance. For the bees."
"The bees?" asked the half-naked shop-owner.
"Yeah," Derrick responded. "THESE BEES!" He then pulled two jars out of his pocket and threw one at the feet of the police officer, and the other at the crotch of the owner. The hostile wasps inside the jars repeatedly and maliciously attacked the pheromone-soaked areas on the rapists. As they lay on the floor in agony -- getting stung in highly sensitive areas -- Derrick rushed over to Quincey and untied him...
"Seriously?! Could things get any worse for me right now?" talldreamy_doc shouted in frustration.
Suddenly the ground started shaking and a gigantic, shadowy figure began approaching the scene. All of the people in the area stopped and looked and the Godzilla-like creature that was coming closer with big step.
"Hey, what's that?!" one of the spectators yelled. The giant slowly waddled up to the curious person and picked him up between his thumb and his index finger. "Hey! Put me down! Put me down, now! You'd better watch out! I'm friends with like 200 college baseball players on Facebook! You'll be sorry!" The giant only responded by putting the man up to his nostril and then taking one long breath in. After the inhalation, the monster put the human back down gently and continued wondering aimlessly about the city.
"NOM NOM NOM" the giant said. "NOM NOM NOM, I'M SO #BASED"
"My points..." the spectator lying on the ground said, "The monster took them all..."
"Quick! It’s trolling for points!" Jules shouted. "Let's get out of here!"
Jules dragged the fat lady into the back of talldreamy_doc's van. "Drive!" He shouted.
talldreamy_doc started the van and began driving away, hoping that the giant wasn't behind him...
I was simultaneously searching this site and watching re-runs of Kitchen Nightmares when I stumbled upon this gem. After a few minutes of reading, I lost complete interest in that show. I will now work on the next chapter....
I was just browsing around, bored, and started reading this, too. Takes like 30 minutes, though. Let's start it back up, fellas.
You didn't know it was your turn?
Oh, the wasted months...
Gosh darn it. I forgot about finals :( December 13th: A Day That Will Live in Infamy........ and Popcorn
Meanwhile, Indianabasketball woke up that morning. He got out of bed at 9:00 since it was his day off, and he walked out to the kitchen.
He greeted his wife and son and sat down to a bowl of Quaker Oat Squares.
After breakfast, he brushed his teeth, shaved, and spent the next three hours watching TV.
After a lunch of a turkey sandwich and a banana, he went outside and taught his son the Euro-step until dinner-time. Mrs. IndianaBasketball had prepared lamb chops and mashed potatoes, with Hawaiian rolls on the side.
IndianaBasketball got up from the table and went to the living room to watfh the Butler game. Unfortunately, Butler lost to UW-Milwaukee because Nored was a turnover machine, Smith played super weak, Hopkins took many questionable shots, the freshmen played like freshmen, and Garrett Butcher sat on the bench for another 38.5 minutes, once again having no impact on the game.
IndianaBasketball then watched SportsCenter and headed off to bed.
He said goodnoght to his wife and kid and turned the light off.
Soon, he was asleep...
^ I guess that was your way of summarizing the Butler game and describing Indiana Basketball's day at the same time?
I was adding a plot twist. Not really.