The Onion-"Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List of 435 Aspects of Game Antawn Jamison Needs to Improve
OAKLAND—In an effort to provide guidance to a teammate, Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant reportedly created a helpful 435-item list Monday, detailing aspects of Antawn Jamison’s game that the forward needs to improve.
Bryant, who presented a small notebook to Jamison at halftime of the team’s game against the Golden State Warriors, encouraged the Lakers forward to carefully study the comprehensive catalog of his numerous deficiencies as a basketball player.
“These are just things that I noticed you were bad at or doing wrong, and I just want you to really think about them,” said Bryant, who was overheard thoughtfully alerting Jamison to each of his shortcomings on the court. “They are organized by defense, offense, and intangibles. You should sit the rest of the game out and concentrate on the list.”
“There’s some stuff that you could never possibly accomplish given your basketball ability, but, you know, I just threw them on there anyway,” Bryant added.
According to Bryant, the in-depth list identifies problem areas such as physical limitations, lackluster intensity, deficient passing skills, sloppy shooting mechanics, careless ball handling, as well as Jamison’s 298 different weaknesses as a defender.
While Bryant confirmed that bullet points specify substandard efforts by Jamison to apply pressure, force turnovers, box-out opponents, rebound, and guard players on the perimeter, the list also provides numerous tips, drills, and strategies for improvement.
“If you put in the extra work on developing a solid foundation, you can definitely learn how to play much better defense,” Bryant told the 2004 NBA Sixth Man of the Year. “Luckily, I’ve triple-underlined all the mistakes you’ve been making and listed a number of techniques and tactics that will hopefully remedy problems like constantly getting beat off the dribble.”
“Obviously, you’re not an intimidating presence in the paint, or anywhere on the court for that matter,” added Bryant. “We don’t have much to work with, but I’ve included an exercise routine and weight-training program that at the very least might bulk you up a little and improve balance.”
Lakers sources confirmed that an excited Bryant spent approximately 15 minutes showing Jamison a portion of the list devoted to disappointing cerebral aspects of 36-year-old’s game, scrutinizing mental toughness, attitude, commitment, determination, and focus.
Bryant, who also displayed a subsection of Jamison’s 6,000 mental errors, which were categorized as idiotic blunders, dipshit moves, or major &$#%#&@!ups, reportedly informed his teammate that he was always available to help or answer questions.
"“There’s some stuff that you could never possibly accomplish given your basketball ability, but, you know, I just threw them on there anyway,” Bryant added."
The onion has so much potential but it squanders it, but it's political articles are pretty good. This one was ok.
Makes you wonder if Kobe will try to coach or privately instruct players once he retires
I honestly could see kobe doing this
"Why didn't I get a notebook?"
- Smush Parker
Why pick on Jamison, he's a class-act guy! Even while averaging 20-9, he was always a low-maintenance, class act.
This is too funny though hahahah