Mikhail Prokhorov: "Leaked letter to AK47" & "Friday Commentary."
I just read these this morning and thought they were hilarious:
"Privet Comrade Andrei,
It’s I Mikhail Prokhorov. As you know in between my winters hunting polar bears with bare hands and making awesome internet videos of my extreme jet skiing I am owning my very own basketball group in Big Apple. Dah. But we are no good. We had weak man that let himself be choked by player with rows of corn in hair PJ. He was weak. He could not coach. So I fired him and got man that is not afraid of fight Mr. Basketballs Jason Kidd. My little Kidd is strong. I then sold no good shooter Jerry Wallace and Kardashian wife to Irish Men for their soldiers Mr. Garnett and his partner Mr. Pierce. We are now strong and tough and can fight the men in Miami.
So I ask of you to please come and fight the blue and orange no good Knicks. We must stop them and then head our way forward to fight that no good bad hair man Tommy Thibodeau and his Bulls. Then we head to the Florida’s where my wife lives to kick the dinosaur head man Chris Bosh in his jurassic face to beat those Heat. I know with your help comrade we can beat them. We can do this. As our great leader Lenin said “Can a basketball team be free if it can’t oppresses other teams? It cannot.” We must push our will on the Nation Basketballs Alliance and crush them beneath our Rocca Wear boots.
There is a problem. The socialists that run this Basketballs Alliance seeks to punish the wealthy. It seems to believe as the leader once said “The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation.” This Stern man seeks to crush me, Mikhail beneath its Brothers Brook’s shoe. They are making me pay almost $70 million rubles in luxury tax, wait hold on…. I was just informed its $70 million American dollars. Who gives a care! I keep twice that in the cookie jar that looks like Mikhail Gorbachev’s head. But they are saying I can’t pay more to the players. It looks bad. So I can only pay you $3 million dollars “on the books” but let me make you an offer.
I can make you the next President of Russia? What do you think? Vladdy is really bumming me out major time with his continued pushing of President America. So much pushing? Why? So here is deal. You play two years for me in the Brooklyn Hoops Dome. You win a championship with irish soldiers of mine Mr. Garnett and Mr. Pierce. I will make you a President of Russia. I can do this. Is no problem. I got that man from Argentina to be pope because I lost a bet at last G-8 meeting. There is nothing we cannot do if we work together. I can also ensure your wife will win Eurovision song contest A+ no problem. You make the call Mr. Ak. or I will make the call about your parents. They are being kept at my chalet in Swiss Alps. If you do not sign on the line there will be problems. You get to make a choice my mans.
Hit me up on my car phone. A+ deal for you. New York party town time.
Stay Fesh Time,
Another very funny fake Prokhorov letter can be found at http://www.sbnation.com/nba/2012/2/10/2789435/the-prokhorov-has-friday-c...
Here's a clip:
"Campaign promise for Russian basketball fanatical:
Free NBA Ticket for whole population. Even Putin get for free without poison or murder trick. The Prokhorov forgive.
Great cloning project without stupid ethic limit. All Lin Jeremy team. All Carmyelo on bench. See lesson sink into traitor skull. Yet keep all Carmyelo on bench forever.
Davis Baron play shirtless as bad example of the fitness.
Garnett Kevin play with mask like Batman hero Bane. Tell Garnett Kevin gas inside is superpower gas. Gas inside mask is nothing. See what happen. Laugh.
Move Kings to natural home of Kyiv. Invade Ukraine. Kidnap team. Move back to Sacramento. Hope all learn lesson.
Put Cuban Mark in glass box every game. No one hear. Everyone point and laugh. Also, weasels in box."